I visibly cringe every time I see or hear the term, “suffers from a Personality Disorder.” While it does seem as if those Cluster B disordered folk appear to have a lot of anger and insecurities, their “suffering” pales in comparison to the suffering they inflict on others. I think the term would be more accurately stated as, “is an incurable selfish jerk.”
For instance: Janice suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder
Changes to: Janice’s children suffer immensely because Janice is an incurable selfish jerk who bullies, controls and intentionally stunts them so they will be incapable of living without her.
Or: Carl suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Changes to: Carl has beaten his wife down so badly that she contemplates suicide daily because Carl is an incurable selfish jerk who derives sadistic enjoyment out of being mean.
It seems to me as if those folk who are classified as having Cluster B Personality Disorders don’t really suffer that much at all. Instead, they developed coping mechanisms to rid themselves of human qualities such as Empathy, Sympathy, Compassion, Integrity and Remorse. Basically, their coping mechanisms rid them of normal human “suffering”, except when their abhorrent behaviors eventually result in a natural consequence (jail, divorce, etc.) for THEM.
I think it’s time we call them what they are: Jerks
Pam McCoy is a writer, author and co-host of Crazybusters.
vamoose says
On the one hand, yes, it is a copout to absolve an abuser of their behavior with the blanket “suffers from a personality disorder’–it is along the lines of not so much blaming the victim as telling them their suffering isn’t as important as their abuser’s
On the other hand, compassion is what separates us (the non CB) from them (the personality disordered). So while name-calling may feel very righteous and satisfying in the moment, how does that really help?
BPDs act out, torture the people they claim to love, and generally behave in horrible ways. I also believe that, at times, (rare, few and far between as they may be), they are internally tearing out pieces of themselves when they have those (rare!) moments of insight when they see the damage they have caused. Calling them ugly names doesn’t help anyone.
Telling them they are just selfish jerks reinforces a message that they have no power over their disease, because it’s just who they are, so it isn’t a good long term strategy either.
Most CBs don’t want to be fixed, and therefore can’t be. I think it’s best to focus on their behavior that is unacceptable, and focus on educating and empowering their victims on ways to cope and, ultimately, leave the abusive situation.
However, leaving someone because they are sick does feel very wrong to anyone with empathy, so maybe in the short term, thinking of them as only ‘selfish jerks’ may be a good strategy.
just a couple of thought-pennies; not very well organized two cents at that.
Pam says
I understand what you are saying, vamoose, but “selfish jerk” was a much more toned down “name calling” than my original thought process.
FWIW, I don’t think the abuser is as wounded as their victims. Compassion separates us but it is also the glue that keeps us stuck.
Strawk says
They only suffer when their defences fail.
Their defences usually entail control and coercion of their nearest and dearest.
So when you finally grow a pair and say ‘no’, you will see their suffering and it will be real. It is likely to make you suffer too because you won’t be just seeing an adult in pain. They are not adults in the emotional sense of the word.
If you are the typical person that ends up with someone who has a malignant personality , you are likely to be the type who will gushing with guilt and pity.
With regards to the last point, I personally think the most significant hurdle is overcoming compassion for them and doing so permanently. Urgggh they’re so horrible.
Pam says
It is the bane of the Codependent to feel pity for Monsters. It’s like trying to untangle an alligator and as soon as you do, it bites off your arm.