Studies performed by the National Domestic Violence Hotline found that a victim will leave his/her abuser an average of seven times before finally leaving permanently. There are many factors in this equation. But one of them is that the victim becomes addicted to the toxic relationship.
I’ve been on the support forums and read about how difficult it is for victims to maintain No Contact with their abusers, even after escaping. I have also experienced this first hand. Logic would dictate that this should not be the case. But logically isn’t always how our brains function. Especially when you have been a long term relationship with a narcissist (or other Cluster B disordered person). Since the relationship’s inception you were groomed to believe what you are told, despite what you see (gaslighted). So you doubt your own senses and stop making decisions for yourself. You have also become addicted to the highs and lows of the relationship. This addiction can be attributed to Intermittent Reinforcement (IR). In fact, all forms of addiction can be attributed to IR.
Using lab rats, scientists put food pellets in a container that could be opened by the rat pushing a button. At first the rat was given as much and as frequently as it wanted. Then the pellets were emptied. The rat pushed and pushed and pushed at the button and after not receiving any additional pellets, after a time, moved on.
Then the scientists, instead of emptying the pellets, would give the rat a pellet after 3 or 4 or 20 attempts, so that the rat became frantic and obsessed with the pellets, never knowing when the next morsel would come out. The rat became so distraught that it stopped grooming and cleaning itself and its health began to decline.
Imagine this scenario in a slot machine. The gambler doesn’t know when the next “food pellet” is going to come out – he only knows that it will, eventually come out. So the gambler continues to put coin after coin after coin, to his own financial detriment, until he is completely broke or he, finally, gets another food pellet.
The same theory can be applied to the highs and lows of drug addictions, sex addictions, or any other addictive behaviors. We become that obsessed rat.
Disordered people inherently know how to manipulate and exploit people. While they lack empathy, they still need a viable host in order to survive, so they go into relationships with the cunning guile of a drug pusher. And the drug they are pushing is love.
Although it’s not real love, but rather, they are mimicking love because they know it is what will ensure their host will stick around and tend to their needs. In the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist lays on the “love” fast and heavy, putting their host on a pedestal and becoming everything their victim wanted in a partner (love bombing). After the narcissist has secured the victim and the victim has fallen in love, then the “food pellets” become increasingly sparse. Then the victim is shocked, wondering what they could have done to cause the narcissist to withdraw his/her affections. They become needy and begin walking on eggshells in hopes that the narcissist will one day return to the love bombing stage.
But that never happens. The narcissist now has the victim right where he wants her and will only occasionally throw a crumb to his victim to keep her alive. But by this time, like the obsessed rat, the victim has stopped all forms of self-care, has fallen into depression, and is less valuable to the narcissist. And this is when the narcissist will coldly discard you for a fresh new supply.
The key to overcoming narcissistic abuse is to go no contact and stop hoping for a crumb to be thrown your way. Meet with a trained therapist, reconnect with family and friends that you became isolated from, and learn to love yourself. This seems impossible to do when you have been emotionally ravaged from a narcissistic relationship. But learning to love yourself means that you are the generator of your own security, well being and self confidence, and that you won’t become prey to other narcissists. You will no longer be that obsessed rat.
Pam McCoy is a writer, author and co-host of Crazybusters
HuntedbygirlfriendsMother says
I don’t see it like that. What I see is a person who has no place to go. I see a person probably with no family(ergo no family support) to help if they left. I see someone with very little resources fighting an aggressive narcissist. The narcissist isolates them from their friends and families. The friends who try to help get it big time from the narcissist. I’ve seen narcissists who were experts at putting holes in the oilpans of the cars parked in front of their homes. I’ve seen them call in false accusations to CPS, the police etc. Personally, I once had a narcissist change my license plate with the license plate of a car that was involved in a hit and run. Same make year and style. The only difference was my car was grey and the other car was green. I was lucky when the cops came to my house and tore it apart they found service records from my local Honda dealer that three days prior when I took my car in I had the plates of the green car on. However, when the car was serviced one month prior it had the correct plates on it. Obviously it couldn’t have been me. The motto of the narcissist is “everyone has their price,” the point at which help ceases.
I see a legal system that is a f***** joke. Don’t get me started. I’ve seen a narcissist whom they failed to serve the restraining order 54 times in a row! I’ve seen narcissists who have been served a restraining order easily blow it off time and time again. It’s a simple process, they practice “gorrilla” type war fare. They wait hiding for the victim, then attack like hell, slashing tires, physical violence galore and at exactly 15 minutes time they disappear(they always have their escape route planned perfect). They always get out about three minutes before the cops show up. I have seen this done again and again and again.
I see child protective service organizations that work to help the aggressor by taking away the kids because of “failure to protect.” I’ve seen aggressors call CPS on their own kids because it will help them control the victim. I’ve seen victims who have never been in trouble for drugs forced into three year weekly mandatory screenings in order to keep their kids because of false accusations. Every single time they pass every single test, sometimes hundreds of them. Only to be force into another three years of mandatory testing because of yet another allegation by the aggressor.
Why do they not leave? The answer is simple, they have no place to go and no one will protect them. If they leave, press charges whatever it’s just an additional beating that they will have to take. And yes, if your middle class or simply have some resources (money, a family that will support you) things are very different. To be honest, I see a lot of stories on Crazy Busters and Shrink4Men of middle class people who have no idea how easy their escape has been because they do have family and support. I’m not in any way degrading their escape, I’m just saying it’s very different, much more difficult for many.
Most of the time when people say that “they must enjoy it because they stay” I see an ignorant idiot who makes a ’60’s style southern segregationist look enlightened. Like wise most of the peer reviewed nonsense is bs, most but not all. Maybe 20 percent is semisolid.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
You’re right. Logistically, it is “easier” when you have resources and the support of family and friends. Not everyone has that. Nevertheless, leaving an abuser is rarely easy, emotionally speaking, regardless of socioeconomic status. I don’t think anyone at CrazyBusters or Shrink4Men has ever said abuse victims stay in the relationship because they enjoy it.
Pam says
I don’t believe that drug addicts enjoy being drug addicts any more than people who have a relationship addiction enjoy being in a toxic relationship. It’s just that you find yourself grateful for the crumbs the narcissist occasionally throws, when you have been deprived of all food. We get conditioned to this kind of response without realizing it is happening.