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How to Win an Argument with a Narcissist, Part One

September 13, 2016 By Dr Tara Palmatier 20 Comments

“I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” (George Bernard Shaw)

In case there’s any question, the narcissist, borderline, psychopath, histrionic, paranoiac or garden variety bully is the pig in this equation. There’s one simple rule to winning an argument with these personalities: Don’t argue with them. At least, don’t fight with them on their terms. You simply won’t win.

In other words, fighting with a narcissist is “A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.” (War Games, 1983)

Conflict in a relationship can be healthy and productive. If handled well, it can strengthen a relationship via reaching mutual solutions, resolutions or compromises between two reasonable and emotionally mature people. Emphasis on reasonable and emotionally mature. If you’re having conflict with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath that person is anything but reasonable and emotionally mature.

Arguing with a narcissist isn’t about a healthy discussion of mutual and individual grievances. It’s not about problem-solving. It’s not about clearing the air and both parties feeling heard. It’s about domination, mindfuckery and intentionally inflicting emotional or physical pain. It’s about breaking you down, bit by bit, and training you to roll over. It’s about the narcissist being right. It’s about winning.

Narcissists don’t do win-win. There must be a winner and a loser in every interaction. In order for a narcissist to feel that she or he has won, they have to harm their opponent in some way. For example, by taking something of value from you (even if it holds no value to them), forcing you do something you don’t want to do or destroying something or someone you love.

There are several reasons why it’s pointless to argue with a narcissist. It can be very difficult to resist the urge to do so, I know. It’s extremely crazy-making the way they distort, deny, project, gaslight, gyrate, pivot and just make shit up. You probably feel compelled to spell it out for them. I get it.

It’s so very tempting to justify, argue, defend and explain (JADE), but don’t do it. It will only be held against you just like every other nasty, selfish, self-absorbed thing the narcissist has done or is still doing to you. Like a fly struggling to free itself from the spider’s web, explaining and defending yourself just makes you a more easily digested narcissist yum-yum (i.e., narcissistic supply).

Less info to the narcissist means less ammo for the narcissist.

This is why you don’t justify, argue, defend or explain. It’s also why we strongly recommend No Contact after ending a relationship with a narcissist or Low Contact if you share minor children. This is why BIFF is recommended if you must communicate with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath. BIFF = Brief, Informative, Firm, Friendly. Although, I recommend BIF — keep the Firm and drop the Friendly. Or, if I’m being cheeky, I refer to it as BIFFY — a Brief, Informative, Firm F— You.

Just keep it business-like and avoid any emotional topics. Don’t share your feelings. Don’t inquire about the narcissist’s or borderline’s feelings. Discussing feelings, yours or theirs, with these personalities is like being airdropped into an alligator infested swamp without a compass or map then cutting a deep gash into your thigh that drips blood while you aimlessly and hopelessly try to find a way out. Don’t do it. Additionally, these personalities are basically children in adult bodies or emotional toddlers. Would you try to have a reasoned argument with a 5-year old? Of course not.

Why is it pointless to argue with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath?

Facts are irrelevant. Presenting the narcissist with verifiable facts, emails they wrote, audio or video recordings, scientific journal findings, etc., only makes them angrier and biliously dogmatic in their accusations and pronouncements. In fact, the more accurate you are, the more wrong you are. Heaven help you if you point out a contradiction in their conflict-victim narrative.

For example, you cite something the narcissist said 3 weeks ago that contradicts their current argument. Does the narcissist or borderline own the contradiction? Take time to reflect or reconsider? Nope. You’ll be accused of “throwing the past in my face” or “using my words as a weapon.” Surrender, Dorothy.

The narcissist is always right. Even if they don’t have a position of their own to defend, a narcissist will attack your position. Basically, their argument is that you’re wrong and, by default, they’re right. It doesn’t matter if they have a solution of their own, yours is wrong. Bullying or shaming a target into submission is very gratifying to narcissists and borderlines. It’s especially gratifying to them if you obligatorily apologize for “making them” lose their temper. It’s so very toxic.

The narcissist’s grievance du jour isn’t the issue. Their personality is the issue. Whatever you think the issue is or whatever the narcissist or borderline insists the issue is really isn’t the issue. The real issue has always been and always will be their personality. The stated issue is typically a smokescreen for one of their 5 fears (abandonment, control, feeling inferior, loss of resources and public exposure). Alternately, the narcissist will harangue you with petty stuff as a way to distract you from the big stuff — like why you’re staying in such an abusive, one-sided shitshow of a relationship.

Home court advantage. Narcissists stack the deck in their favor to win the argument, facts and logic be damned. They make the rules and the rules don’t apply to them. Ever. For example, your ex demands an insaaaaaaaaaane custody schedule — 5 exchanges in 7 days. She claims it’s because “the children” have anxiety if they’re away from her for more than 24 hours. [Snort.] There is a child having anxiety, but it’s not one of the actual children. Your ex is having anxiety because she’s losing dominion over the children and you.

Her solution? She demands a schedule that no one can follow, not even her. Then she rants about how the original schedule, that she created, needs to be changed. More time to her, less time to you, naturally. Using Narcissist Logic™, the problem isn’t the insane schedule that she demanded. The problem is you having parenting time that she can neither deny nor control. The solution? She gets sole custody and you become her beck and call babysitter provided you allow her to torture you at will. WINNING! It’s like playing a basketball game with only one net and only the narcissist gets to shoot the ball. Don’t play a game you can’t win.

The winner is predetermined. Narcissists and borderlines have a script in their heads about how conversations, arguments, etc., are supposed to go. It’s nice if you play along, but isn’t necessary. Besides, they know what you’re feeling and thinking, so there’s no need for you to engage. It doesn’t matter if you don’t actually feel and think that way. Remember, the facts are irrelevant. So let it be written, so let it be done.

I once conducted an experiment while I was still with my narcissistic ex. He was having one of his regularly scheduled attention-seeking meltdowns and instead of placating, cajoling and apologizing to get him to stop, I stayed silent. I sat there, unphased and unblinking, with a neutral expression on my face. Within 30 minutes he managed to have an argument all by himself without me saying a word.

He actually argued my side, or what he imagined was my side of the argument, for me and then argued why my side, that I never stated, was wrong. Now that’s some serious Narc-Fu. Then he did his version of the hair flip-flounce combo, made Poopy Diaper Face and buried himself in Facebook to Like gather by posting links to Wired articles for his minions. Like, Like, ooh, ah, oh, right there, right there, oh yeah baby, Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike — that sure showed me!

Historical revisionism. Once in a blue moon, you may be able to get a narcissist to concede defeat. It takes some real effort though. You basically have to back them into the proverbially corner and rope-a-dope them with facts and logic. Enjoy the admission of culpability while it lasts because it won’t.

Within a matter of weeks, days or hours, the narcissist or borderline will rewrite history and you’ll be right back where you started. They also do this with their failures and infinitesimal successes. Successes are often greatly exaggerated and failures are completely whitewashed. It just isn’t worth the effort required to get them to acknowledge objective reality. At best, it’s a labor intensive, short-lived Pyrrhic victory. At worst, it gives you false hope that somewhere, buried deep within the recesses of their alligator brain, there’s a decent human being that will materialize with a little more blood, sweat and tears on your part. Not going to happen.

If you want to win in any interaction with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath, you need to redefine what winning means. This will be covered in the second part of this article, which will be published later this week or early next. I was going to include it in this one in the hopes of keeping it to 1000 words or less, but here we are already at 1400 words plus. Check back soon, and if you haven’t yet, please check out the CrazyBusters Forum.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides individual services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women trying to break free of abusive relationships, coping with the stress of abusive relationships or healing from abusive relationships. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Services page for professional inquiries.

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Codependency 101: What Does Being Codependent Mean?

July 29, 2016 By Dr Tara Palmatier 1 Comment

Are you codependent? If so, there are probably some things you have a tough time accepting about human nature and relationships. On the other hand, perhaps you’re not sure what codependent means, in which case, let’s begin with some basics.

Codependents need to be needed. They believe making oneself invaluable to another is the pathway to love. It isn’t. It’s the pathway to becoming a doormat, to being taken advantage of and to becoming a target of abuse. When someone loves you and you love them, you want to be with each other (interdependence). You don’t need to be with each other (dependence). The former is a mutual coming together. The latter is tinged with urgency and desperation.

Codependents may have difficulty being alone, feel unworthy of being loved and a fear of abandonment. A codependent will often sacrifice his or her needs and well-being to take care of others. However, they usually have a hard time asking others for help and support in return.

Codependents often attract and are attracted to partners, friends and colleagues who are abusive, exploitative, take them for granted and are frequently personality disorder traited or have full-blown personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder (i.e., sociopaths and psychopaths). This is probably because many codependents were parentified as children, or received love and approval (if lucky) for taking care of a parent’s emotional or physical needs. They usually learn from a very early age that their needs and well-being are a distant second (or third or fourth) and are conditioned to serve others and forsake their own needs and wants.

Codependents tend to choose adult relationship partners who are very similar in nature to their dysfunctional and probably personality disordered parents. It’s also not unusual for codependents to be in relationships with alcoholics and addicts in addition to the personality disordered and chronically mentally ill. Many codependents learned at an early age to put the needs and wants of their parent(s) ahead of their own, or were told they were being bad and selfish if they didn’t do so.

As children, codependents grew up believing that if they were good enough, smart enough, talented enough, invisible enough, sympathetic enough, undemanding enough, selfless enough and could anticipate their parents’ needs, wants and moods well enough that they could control their parents’ depressions, rages, alcoholism, general craziness, avoid their abuse and obtain their love and acceptance. This is magical thinking and, in adults, is referred to as the narcissism of the codependent or, in my opinion incorrectly as the inverted narcissist.

Codependents aren’t narcissists. I’ve had many codependent clients who’ve worried they’re narcissistic when they stumble across these terms. First of all, a codependent is the opposite of a narcissist. Opposite not inverted. There are narcissists who portray themselves as martyrs and are grandiose and self-serving in their “martyrdom” (think professional victims), but this is not codependency.

They’re the “poor me” narcissists instead of the “I’m fabulous” narcissists. No one has it as tough as them. No one does so much for others as them or sacrifices so much for others as them. No one has been treated as unfairly as them. Martyrcists™ are the best at having it so bad. They’re also not victims. They’re aggressors in whiny, bleating sheep’s clothing. Codependents don’t draw attention to themselves for all that they do for others, or whinge on and on about how they prostrate themselves in the service of others. Codependents are usually pretty self-effacing and believe that haven’t done enough and need to try harder.

Codependents are pathologically selfless and other-focused, while the narcissist is pathologically selfish and self-absorbed. Codependents spend much of their time trying to meet the needs of others to the point of anticipating a partner’s needs before their partner even recognizes them. Many codependents have been so other-focused for so long that they’ve an extremely difficult time identifying what their needs and wants are beyond making their narcissistic or borderline partner happy and avoiding his or her rage and abuse. A narcissist rarely gives a damn what anyone else wants or needs, not even their own children. They only care about themselves.

What does the narcissism of the codependent mean? It means if you’re codependent you have the magical belief that you can love an abusive and disordered partner well, that you can somehow fix them and turn them into a kind, loving decent human being. The codependent believes that he or she can “handle it.” No, you can’t. You couldn’t do it when you were a child with your parent(s) and you can’t do it with an adult partner who’s every bit as fucked up as your mom or dad was.

You’re not a super hero or heroine. For that matter most narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths aren’t archvillains. They’re just emotionally immature jerks whose childhood wounds dovetail with your own. It’s hubris to believe you have the power to change a personality disordered person, hence the narcissism of the codependent. Heal your wounds and you won’t match up with these predators anymore.

Here are some fundamentals to help you overcome your codependent beliefs and behaviors:

1. You can’t fix anyone else. You can only fix yourself. You can’t save or rescue someone from themselves. If you really feel the need to be the rescuer, adopt a pet from a kill shelter.

2. Doing for someone else what she or he is capable of doing for themselves isn’t helping, it’s enabling. Stop pushing the broom behind your narcissist, borderline or psychopath. A healthy person will ask, “Show me how, so I may do for myself.” A lazy, immature person says, “Do it for me.”

3. Everyone has issues. We each have a responsibility to ourselves, our loved ones and our communities to manage our own issues. You can’t do the work for someone else.

4. We teach others how to treat us. Accepting and tolerating bad behavior will only get you more of the same. Tolerating abuse doesn’t prove that you love someone unconditionally. It means you’re willingly participating in your own abuse and calling it love, which is wrong.

5. Feelings of pity, fear, obligation and guilt won’t kill you. Feel the guilt (or the fear or the pity or the obligation) and have boundaries anyway.

6. Taking care of yourself isn’t wrong. If someone makes you feel guilty or selfish for taking care of yourself yet expects you to satisfy their wants at your expense, they’re behaving like a selfish jerk and they should feel guilty. Of course, this type of person rarely feels guilt no matter how egregiously reprehensible their behavior is. Furthermore, they don’t give a damn about you or your well-being.

7. Stop doing favors for others to get them to like you. Do favors or offer assistance when asked because you feel like it, not because you’re afraid the other person will become angry or dislike you.

8. Allow people the grace and wisdom to experience the consequences of their choices. People learn and grow by experiencing natural consequences for their choices and behaviors, good, bad and indifferent. Narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths spend most of their lives evading the consequences for their irresponsible, reckless and abusive behavior.

9. You can still be a nice person and have boundaries. You can be a nice guy or nice gal and say no. It’s healthy.

10. Learn how to ask for help when you need support. Relationships should be a two-way street, not a one-way street paved with double standards. When you need an extra hand or a shoulder, ask for it. People who genuinely care about you will be happy to reciprocate. Give them that opportunity. Narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths take from others without giving back.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

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Basic Relationship Boundaries, Part 1

July 20, 2016 By Dr Tara Palmatier 3 Comments

So many of the men and women I work with become hyper-focused on being able to detect personality disorder warning signs or red flags after being in a relationship with an abusive narcissist, borderline or psychopath once they’re ready to begin dating again. This is perfectly natural and normal at this stage of the healing process. After you’ve been burned that badly, of course you don’t want to go through that kind of soul sucking, gut wrenching, heart breaking mindfuckery ever again.

It makes perfect sense that you’ll be especially sensitive to any indication of Crazy in a potential date or mate. Like after getting sick from bad shellfish, you want to be certain the next plate of oysters isn’t poisonous. While being able to identify bullies, selfish jerks, the emotionally immature, emotional vampires, the pathologically entitled — however you refer to these individuals — is important, it’s only half the equation.

At the risk of sounding like a broken MP3 file, you have to have boundaries.

Even if you miss a red flag or two, boundaries are your ultimate protection against narcissistic, borderline, histrionic and psychopathic men and women. Boundaries are your garlic necklace, wolf bane and crucifix. They’re your invisible fence. And remember, “Good fences make good neighbors” (Robert Frost, Mending Wall).

Ideally, boundaries are something good enough parents teach us as children. No hitting your siblings, keep your hands to yourself. Knock first and wait for permission before entering. Ask permission before borrowing a sibling’s stuff. Stay away from strangers. Inappropriate touching. Allowing children to dress themselves, toilet and bathe themselves and to decide when they’ve had enough dinner. Saying no to a hug. Allowing children to express their own likes and dislikes.

Essentially, boundaries are about personal autonomy, self-respect, personal safety and well-being and respecting the boundaries of others.

Unfortunately, many of us were raised by parents who either didn’t have boundaries themselves or didn’t tolerate, to put it mildly, others having boundaries with them. Think about it. What happened if you told your mother or father no? Was the mere thought telling either of your parents no terrifying?

Conversely, perhaps your mom and dad taught you to always turn the other cheek, to not make waves, to keep the peace, to be nice and try to get along with everybody. If so, they may have unintentionally trained you to be the perfect cannon fodder and doormat for abusive personalities like narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths. Those childhood teachings work great with other nice people, but not so much with narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths.

Narcissists and their ilk bank on others having flimsy boundaries or no boundaries to get away with their cruelty, treachery, manipulations and entitled attitudes. They looooooooove people who are “too nice.” Crazy sees kindness not as a virtue, but as a weakness to exploit.

That doesn’t mean that you have to stop being kind, nice, generous, accepting and loving. Not at all. It just means you have to become more discerning and stop being “nice” at your expense. In other words, you need to build or beef up your boundaries. Having boundaries doesn’t translate to being an asshole. It means you can still be nice to others without letting them take advantage of you and abuse you.

THE BASICS

I. The Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This is the law of reciprocity. It’s not the calculated giving something to get something that many narcissists engage in (i.e., creating a sense of obligation or you owe me), but rather what should be the natural and mutual give and take in adult relationships. Abusive personalities don’t abide by the Golden Rule, but rather the do as I say not as I do rule.

Do you give more than you get out of your relationships? Are your needs and wants as much of a priority to your spouse, friend, mother, father or sibling as she or he demands of you in terms of their needs and wants? Does Nina the Narcissist or Bob the Borderline make you feel guilty or rage at you if you don’t sacrifice your needs and well-being for their wants?

How would your boyfriend or girlfriend feel if you were to treat him or her the way they treat you? Is there a double standard in your relationships in terms of expectations and behavior? How are you justifying these relationship imbalances? Do you feel guilty or like you’re asking too much for your partner or friend to treat you with the same basic decency and courtesy that you show them?

Take an accounting of your relationships. Are you getting back as much as you give? Have you expressed your feelings about any relationship imbalances? How did the other person respond? Did they get angry? Dismissive? Make empty promises that things would get better? Or did they really listen and then take steps to make things better? If the Golden Rule isn’t at play in your relationships, it’s healthy and right to want to end or distance yourself from those relationships.

II. The Joy of No. If sorry is the hardest word for narcissists, then no is the hardest word for codependents. What’s the difference between codependents and nice people when it comes to saying no? Nice people say no because they’re unable to, don’t have the time to or don’t want to say yes. They don’t feel the need to defend or explain their no, and they don’t worry that someone will be mad at them or stop liking or loving them for saying no.

Example 1: Nice Person encounters Crazy in the dating pool. Crazy wants Nice Person to accompany her or him to a family wedding for their second date. Nice Person declines because that would be too much too soon. Crazy loses her or his marbles, accusing Nice Person of being a selfish commitment phobe who’s “afraid to love.” Nice Person smiles at Crazy, says the two of them aren’t a good fit and wishes Crazy well.

Nice Person doesn’t feel guilty or bad for saying no, nor does Nice Person feel guilty or bad for blocking Crazy on their cellphone or social media accounts once the text bombs and private message bombs cycling through blame shifting apologies, unfounded accusations and name-calling begin. Nice Person shrugs it off, doesn’t take it personally and gets on with his or her life as well as having a super funny dating anecdote to share with friends.

Example 2: Codependent encounters Crazy in the dating pool. Crazy wants Codependent to accompany them to a family wedding for their second date. Codependent thinks, “Oh my gosh! Crazy must be really serious about me!!! Yeah, I’ll go!” Codependent marries Crazy four months later, has two kids and is now in the middle of a high-conflict divorce and facing false abuse allegations.

Example 3: Codependent encounters Crazy in the dating pool. Crazy wants Codependent to accompany them to a family wedding for their second date. Codependent experiences an inner wave of panic and dread. Codependent really doesn’t want to go to the wedding, but worries Crazy won’t like them anymore if they decline. Codependent spends hours or days working out how to justify, defend and explain saying no, or lying about having a business trip or prior family obligation that weekend. Codependent hesitantly and nervously tries to tell Crazy a family wedding seems a little fast for a second date.

Crazy loses her or his marbles, accusing Codependent of being a selfish commitment phobe who’s “afraid to love.” Codependent feels h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e and agonizes over whether or not they’re really afraid to love and commitment phobic. Codependent feels guilty about Crazy not having a date to the family wedding because everyone in Crazy’s family wants to know when Crazy’s going to get married. What’s the big deal, right? It’s just a date with food, dancing and a band.

Codependent doesn’t stop to wonder why Crazy would want to take someone they’ve determined is commitment phobic and love avoidant to a wedding much less continue to date at all. Codependent goes to the wedding, marries Crazy four months later, has two kids and is now in the middle of a high-conflict divorce and facing false abuse allegations.

See the difference? All it takes to avoid the disastrous outcomes in Examples 2 and 3 is to say no and feel okay about saying no. Even if you still wrestle with guilt when you want to say no, that’s alright. Feel the guilt and say no anyway! Guilt won’t kill you. Just because you feel guilt, at least initially, doesn’t mean you have to base your decisions on it. Same goes for feelings of fear and obligation.

III. Enabling. Enabling is doing for someone what they’re capable of doing for themselves. Helping is teaching someone how to do for themselves and then letting them. It’s more helpful to teach someone to fish rather than giving them a fish each day. Teaching a person to fish helps him or her to be independent. Giving a person a daily fish makes them dependent.

Additionally, many codependents help first and ask questions later. Meaning that codependents often step in and try to fix, rescue or help others before even being asked to do so. If you’re wondering, “What’s wrong with that? Isn’t it good to be helpful?” keep reading.

Jumping in and doing for others robs a person of their ability to do for themselves. It deprives them of feeling autonomous, capable and a sense of accomplishment in being able to manage their own lives and whatever problems may arise. Healthy adults don’t want you to step in and do for them. This is why kids say, “Me do!” during the Terrible Twos. Personal agency feels good.

Giving unsolicited help can also foster a dependency, as in a codependency.

Codependents need to be needed and seem to confuse being needed as the pathway to love. It’s not. Many copdependents were parentified as children. They didn’t feel loved or accepted unless they were taking care of their parents emotional and physical needs. Parentified children are often rewarded for ignoring their own needs and wants and sacrificing them for their parent’s unhealthy ego needs and wants. Parentified children often replay this in their adult relationships. It manifests as codependency.

Being needed and being loved are two very different things. Need arises from a sense of lack, deprivation, fear and unworthiness. Love arises from a sense of wholeness and “want to be” rather than “have to” or “need to be.” The former is a thankless depletion of one’s internal and external resources. The latter is energizing, life enhancing and source of joy and contentment.

There’s a great deal of literature about the abandonment fears of narcissists and borderlines. Codependents often have a fear of abandonment as well, however, it’s expressed differently in the personality disordered vs. the codependent. Narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths make their partners dependent on their approval, which they miserly hoard away after the love bombing or idealization stage and save for emergencies like Hoovers. Codependents make their partners dependent upon them through enabling them, acts of service and tolerating their manipulations and other abuses.

Everyone has issues. You have issues, your sister has issues, your boyfriend has issues, your wife has issues, your adult children have issues, your best friend has issues and I have issues. Here’s the thing — each person’s issues belong to him or her. Your issues belong to you, your brother’s issues belong to him and my issues belong to me.

Each of us have a responsibility and obligation to ourselves, our loved ones, our colleagues and our communities to manage our own issues instead of dumping them onto whomever is most convenient and willing. It’s okay to help and support a loved one or friend with their issues, but that’s very different than enabling their issues or allowing yourself to become a scapegoat or dumping ground for their issues.

Sometimes the nicest thing you can do is let another person clean up his or her own mess and that starts with you.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides individual services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Services page for professional inquiries.
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Crazyproofing: How to Protect yourself from Narcissists, Borderlines and Psychopaths

July 13, 2016 By Dr Tara Palmatier 2 Comments

Are you a self-described crazy woman magnet or crazy man magnet? Have you dated one emotionally unstable, emotionally unavailable and psychologically stunted person after the next? Are the majority of your exes a museum of various personality disorders — narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, dependents, paranoiacs and psychopaths, oh my?

While your former love interests may indeed have been as nutty as the Planter’s Peanut factory, lightning rarely strikes the same place more than once. Therefore, it’s time to look at your role in what attracts you to and attracts Crazy to you. In most cases, it’s a lack of boundaries, a lack of self-respect, faulty relationship beliefs, attitudes and behaviors learned in childhood and being easily manipulated by guilt, obligation, fear and pity.

Pining for a woman or man who mistreats and abuses you and calling it love is, obviously, a problem. For that matter, someone who regularly disrespects and devalues you, who lies to you and cheats on you, who financially exploits you, who undermines you and erodes your self-esteem, who makes you feel invisible — does not love you. None of these things add up to love, and if you believe they do or make excuses for being treated so shabbily you’ve got some work to do.

In other words, it’s time to do some Crazyproofing. It’s kind of like babyproofing, but instead of making a residence safer for a baby or toddler you’ll be making it safer for you to be in relationships. How? By being better able to spot emotional predators, making yourself less attractive to them and by ending your attraction to narcissists and their ilk for good.

1. Identify and understand what attracts you to Crazy types (e.g., narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths).

Mommy and daddy issues. Have the majority of your love interests and relationships been uncannily similar to one or both of your parents? If you grew up with stable, loving good enough parents, great! Odds are you’re able to forge healthy adult attachments. But since you’re reading this article you most likely had some kind of invalidating, self-absorbed, emotionally intrusive/withdrawn, abusive kind of mom or dad who parentified you (i.e., you were the emotional caretaker of one or both your parents).

We tend to be attracted to what’s familiar, even if what’s familiar is toxic and dysfunctional. Combine this with a dash or repetition compulsion (repeating childhood wounds by recreating them in adulthood) in an effort to achieve an emotionally corrective outcome (replaying the earlier hurts or traumata, but with a happier ending) and you have a recipe for repetitive relationship disaster. If the woman or man you’re trying to have a loving relationship with is every bit as screwed up and abusive as your mother or father, you’re just going to replay the old misery instead of achieving mastery over it.

Think about your past relationships or current relationship. What childhood or adolescent relationship dynamic are you recreating with Crazy? What old childhood wound, trauma or rejection are you attempting to heal? Understanding this is essential to breaking your attraction to unhealthy and abusive women and men.

You find Crazy “exciting” and healthy and normal “boring.” Some people get addicted to the drama of abusive relationships. The love bombing or idealization stage is so intoxicating and heady (as well as being pure fantasy and mutual projection), and the devaluation stage so jarring and painful that relationships with healthier, stable men and women will never feel as superficially and suddenly intense. Drinking an espresso just doesn’t compare to snorting a mountain of cocaine. Then again, a daily shot of espresso is unlikely to destroy your body, mind, soul and credit rating.

If this is true of you, you will need to do what I call resetting your emotional thermostat. Meaning, you need to reconsider what love is, your relationship role, relationship expectations, etc. For starters, stable, non-disordered men and women don’t love bomb. No, really, they don’t. During the honeymoon stage you’ll feel infatuation or maybe even some limerence, but it’s not the way over the top, too much too soon experience of love bombing. Intimacy, trust and love take time to grow. It takes time to get to truly know someone. You can’t shortcut it.

Many of the men and women I counsel are convinced that the steady as she or he goes good times they have with stable men and women just don’t compare to the good ~~times~~ time they had with Crazy. This is bullshit. It’s my opinion that the good times with Crazy seem so much better because of the profound contrast of the extremes in these relationships. It’s not that the good times are so good, but rather that the bad times are so very bad that the good times seem exceptionally good in comparison. The absence of abuse shouldn’t equate to the most amazing time ever!

2. Identify and understand what makes you an easy target for Crazy.

Confusing being nice with being a doormat. Are you a nice guy or a nice gal? Are you conflict avoidant and eager to please? Were you raised to turn the other cheek even when someone is slapping you silly? Do you have a hard time saying no? Do you worry people won’t like you if you don’t let them take advantage of you? Do you believe it’s bad or selfish to put your needs first? If so, you’re walking around with a flashing neon target on your forehead.

You also probably have some misconceptions about what constitutes healthy adult relationships. Odds are you also had a mother or father who didn’t allow you to have or express your feelings and didn’t allow you to have age appropriate no’s (i.e., allowing you to develop a sense of autonomy or your own beliefs, opinions and preferences particularly ones that differed from those of your parents).

Emotionally mature adults can handle being told no or no thank you. Toddlers, narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, psychopaths and other bullies and emotional predators often tantrum and rage or withdraw their love and friendship when told no. In fact, telling a new love interest or friend no and observing how she or he reacts can provide some good insight about the kind of person she or he is. Nice people can and do say no. Nicely.

Lack of boundaries. The only thing tolerating bad or abusive behavior will get you is more of the same. A boundary is your line in the sand in terms of what you will and won’t accept from others, but that’s only half of the equation. Boundaries are meaningless unless you enforce them, in other words deliver a natural and appropriate consequence when someone violates your boundaries.

After exiting an abusive relationship, many of my clients are naturally hypervigilant about spotting red flags and wonder if they’re being paranoid or overly harsh in setting boundaries. Here’s a good rule of thumb: “Once is happenstance; twice is coincidence; the third time it’s enemy action,” (Ian Fleming, Goldfinger). Or, the first time is an accident; the second time is a coincidence; the third time is an established pattern of behavior and the other person is showing you exactly what you can continue to expect from them.

Why are boundaries so difficult to create? Most of the time it’s because we had parents who either didn’t teach us to have boundaries because they didn’t have any or our parents had boundaries, but didn’t allow us to have them (i.e., codependent or disordered parents). Healthy, loving parents help their children develop boundaries, even boundaries with the parents. For example, by a certain age most kids don’t want to kiss or hug mom or dad goodbye before getting on the school bus in front of their friends. Or they don’t want to undress or bathe in front of their parents anymore. Good enough parents respect this and allow it.

Easily manipulated through fear, obligation, guilt and pity. FOG is a well-known acronym to anyone who’s been studying narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths and other abusive personalities for any length of time. Fear, obligation and guilt are typically what keeps people stuck in relationships with Crazy. I’m adding pity to the mix. PFOG isn’t as catchy as far as acronyms go, but so very many of the men and women I’ve counseled stay in these relationships because they feel sorry for Crazy, or don’t think Crazy will be able to survive without him or her.

Spfffffft. In the absence of narcissistic supply it’ll make your head spin how fast Crazy will replace you with another ~~soul mate~~ enabler. Save your pity and compassion for yourself. Both of these emotions are typically exploited by narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths. Yes, Crazy is pitiable, but only feel sorry for him or her once your are a safe physical and emotional distance away.

Common fears include the myth that Crazy is the only fish in the sea, that you won’t do any better, that all women, men and relationships are “like that,” that you’re unlovable, that you’ve done something to deserve the abuse or that if you set boundaries with or end the relationship with Crazy that he or she will do you real harm or physical violence. If these fears resonate with you, it’s time to do some serious reality testing as well as risk assessment. If you believe your Crazy poses real world threat in terms of physical violence, violence by proxy (using law enforcement by making false allegations) or damage to your career you’re right to feel afraid and should take all legal measures available to you to protect yourself. The MOSAIC Threat Assessment System is a good online tool to asses the level of risk your Crazy poses.

Obligation and guilt usually work in tandem. Obligation says, “You owe me. You promised.” Guilt says, “You’re bad and wrong not to want to be in a relationship with me anymore. It’s your fault I treat you the way I do.” Then Crazy replays the obligation and guilt messages on an endless loop. The only thing you owe to someone who abuses your love and trust is to show him or her the door. Furthermore it’s healthy and right to choose to end a relationship with someone who treats you like crap.

A lack of self-care. Love, wellness and wholeness begin with you. Another person can’t heal your wounds, especially not an abusive person. All they do is pile on. You have to identify your wounds from childhood and past relationships and then give yourself the love and compassion you didn’t receive from your parents and toxic relationship partners.

If you’re taking good emotional and physical care of yourself, if you’re respectful of your body, heart and mind you’re less likely to tolerate disrespect from others. Worried you’re being too sensitive, too controlling or too whatever Crazy says you are when having natural emotional responses of hurt or anger when being abused or mindfucked? Okay. Then ask yourself how Crazy would feel if you did or said the same thing to him or her? Would Crazy be cool with being lied to, cheated on, undermined or ridiculed? Would Crazy be okay with you breaking promises to him or her? Right. I didn’t think so.

Abusive people will often try to make their targets feel guilty or selfish for taking care of themselves. Someone who loves you and wants the best for you supports you in taking good care of yourself. They want you to be healthy and have a well-rounded life. They don’t pout because you go to the gym three times a week or pitch a fit because you play bridge once a month with your friends.

3. Learn to spot the red flags or telltale signs of Crazy.

Pay attention to his or her behavior. Don’t discount the obvious. Sometimes narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths will wave red flags that you can spot from outer space. Other times the danger signs will be more subtle. Nevertheless, most abusers will give you warning signs of their true nature very early on, but you need to be paying attention. Their actions are more important than their words. If a person’s words and deeds are contradictory, the truth lies in their actions — unless they’re on extra good behavior because they’re playing to an audience (i.e., engaging in image management).

When you notice these things don’t minimize, rationalize or justify the hurtful, irrational or just plain bizarre behavior. Having a bad childhood or trauma history doesn’t excuse abusing others as an adult. It might explain the behavior, but it doesn’t excuse it.

Pay attention to your feelings and your behavior. If you meet a man or woman and feel like you already know them or have always known them it’s most likely one of two things. There are some people with whom we share a natural affinity and that’s beautiful. Then there are people whom our unconscious minds immediately recognize as yet another opportunity to hop back onto the the Crazy-Go-Round. If you’ve done your own work, instead of running toward these individuals you’ll want to walk in the other direction.

Or, if you choose to begin a relationship or friendship and find yourself feeling on edge, afraid of upsetting him or her, feeling like you can’t live without him or her, feeling not good enough around them, waiting for the other shoe to drop or feel like nothing you do is good enough, ask yourself why. What is going on? These are all indicators you’re probably not in a healthy relationship. Then examine your behavior vs. his or her behavior. If your boyfriend or girlfriend treated you like you treat them how would you feel? How would you respond to them? If you treated your boyfriend or girlfriend like they treat you how would they likely respond? What would you tell your brother, sister, son, daughter or best friend if they had a boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse who was treating them like your partner treats you?

There are many other practices and strategies you can do to Crazyproof yourself, which we’ll explore in future articles. The ones above, in my opinion, are the most basic and important. If you want things to be different in your life, including better quality relationship with healthy people, you have to get healthier and begin making better choices. You can educate yourself to the point of becoming an expert in personality disorders and red flag detection, but unless you develop and enforce healthy boundaries and respect and love yourself, all of that information is for naught. Having healthy boundaries and self-respect is the best defense and very best Crazyproofing practice.

Original source article HERE.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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