Narcissists are Vain
Not only are they vain, but they expect their partners to be vain, as well. Since, to the Narcissists, outward appearances are all that matters, it’s very important to the Narcissist that not only she looks good physically, but her partner must as well. Narcissists are very judgmental of even the slightest bit of fat, or other physical imperfections, on themselves, but ESPECIALLY on others. Narcissists love to ridicule those they believe to be less beautiful. Narcissists work hard at being some of the best looking people around, but their beautiful outer shells only serve to hide their rotten cores.
Narcissists Suck in a Crisis
Narcissists cannot cope with any type of stress or crisis – not the ones they manufacture for themselves, but especially not YOUR crisis. If you are living with a Narcissist, try to avoid the following:
- Unplanned expenditures like speeding tickets, insurance deductibles, vet bills, taxes, car problems, broken appliances, etc.
- Deaths. Narcissists hate not being the center of attention. Plan on going to funerals by yourself.
- Try not to win any awards that would require a ceremony. As mentioned in the bullet point above, Narcissists hate not being the center of attention. If you win something plan on going by yourself, or, better yet, turn it down so that the Narcissist won’t be envious of your fame and accolades.
- Don’t get sick. Nothing causes a Narcissist to set his/her own hair on fire like other people’s illnesses. Not only will they not feel sympathy for you, they will invent a worse sickness, or accuse you of making them sick with your sickness, and then they will expect you to wait on them despite you being sick. Don’t expect the Narcissist to stick by your side if you develop a terminal or life altering illness. Not only will they not nurture you – they will resent you for inconveniencing them. In fact, they will abandon you if they can do it without suffering criticism from others.
Narcissists Have Radical Mood Swings
Before you left to go grocery shopping, the Narcissist was happy – even kissed you goodbye. When you returned, he had a scowl on his face and is slamming the cabinet doors. Before you can say, “What’s wrong?” (if you dare), he says, “I’m sick of everyone taking advantage of me!!!!!”
If you’ve been in this relationship for any time at all, you will no doubt realize that this has already become a circular argument that has no point and you cannot win.
“I’m sorry you’re having a bad day,” you say.
“Why are you always saying you’re sorry? STOP MAKING THIS ABOUT YOU!”
And then the Narcissist will launch into ALL the things that are wrong about you.
After the Narcissist has beaten you down to the point of tears, he says, “I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.”
And then when it’s time for bed, he acts as if his tirade never happened. But you wish he would actually go sleep on the couch.
And what was it then, that actually caused the tantrum? He stepped on the bathroom scales and had gained weight. Or he lost money in the stock market. Or one of the dogs vomited on the floor and he had to clean it up. Narcissists cannot handle dealing with normal adult things because they are angry five year olds trapped inside adult bodies. So they throw tantrums and they rage at the person who they believe failed to parent them adequately. You.
Narcissists are Impulsive
Instant gratification is how they operate. Try telling a Narcissist that they can’t have something they want and then prepare for the ensuing rage. Nevermind that the Narcissist just lectured everyone in the household about adhering to a budget. The Narcissist works SO HARD for his money and he DESERVES to buy nice things for himself. Whenever the budget becomes an issue again, expect another lecture on how you need to do a better job of adhering to it.
Their impulsivity is not limited to purchases. The Narcissist cannot control himself in social settings, either. So the Narcissist wanted to flirt with your co-worker at your company Christmas party? You just need to lighten up and stop being so insecure. So does your co-worker, who should be flattered rather than creeped out.
The Narcissist will not be told what to do.
Narcissists Invalidate You
Narcissists feel as though they are losing a battle if they concede that you are right about something. Even if you are right with irrefutable evidence. Narcissists live their lives in a state of Scarcity and believe that if they give emotional supply to someone else, that it somehow takes away from their limited supply. You have to be wrong so that they can be right. They don’t understand the concept of Abundance. Narcissists are heavy on criticism and light on praise.
Narcissists will disagree with you, reword what you said and repeat it back to you as if it was their idea. For instance, you may say: “It’s quicker if you take a right on Main Street.”
The Narcissist will respond: “No. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I drive this way all the time. When I go down Main Street, I get there five minutes faster.”
Narcissists Kill Pets
Although Narcissists enjoy the unconditional love of a pet, the moment that pet becomes a nuisance to the Narcissist, it will be put down, taken to a shelter, given away or left outside to become a stray. Narcissist’s lack of empathy extend to animals, too. If you plan on leaving the Narcissist, take your pets with you.
Narcissists Project Their Crap Onto You
If you are wondering what the Narcissist is up to, you only need to listen to what she is accusing you of doing. Narcissists believe that if they are busy making accusations, then you’ll be too busy defending yourself to accuse them of the same thing.
Narcissists make it difficult for their codependent partners to succeed. Narcissists demand so much of your attention and energies to be focused on them, that gradually, like a frog in a pot of boiling water, you stop having goals, interests and hobbies for yourself.
Once this happens, the Narcissist will ridicule you for not having your own interests and goals. But make no mistake – the last thing the Narcissist wants is for you to start having your own interests and goals again. The Narcissist wants to ridicule you because this makes the Narcissist feel superior.
If you attempt to dig yourself out of the hole, the Narcissist will sabotage you. For instance, if you begin a diet or exercise program, the Narcissist will buy a cheesecake. If you start a business working from home, the Narcissist will insist on playing the piano while you are with clients. If you re-enroll in school, the Narcissist will manufacture crisis after crisis that make you feel unease at being away from home.
The Narcissist wants a selfless partner with low self-esteem who will cater to his needs, alone, and who can be the whipping boy when the Narcissist is in a foul mood.
Narcissists are the proverbial squeaky wheel. “I’m not happy!!!” is their mantra. If you are in an intimate relationship with a Narcissist, you will hear this phrase (or some variation of it) on a regular basis. Even if it is an issue that affects everyone in the house, the Narcissist will shamelessly yell and moan and make you very aware of her discomfort and will apply increasing pressure until you figure out a way to make her discomfort disappear.
Narcissists believe in delegating their problems.
Narcissists are “Winners”
As a result of their black-and-white thinking, Narcissists view all relationships and people as competition. They don’t comprehend that everyone can win. The Narcissist believes that if he is not on top, then he is on the bottom. To do this, the Narcissist will manipulate, charm or bully people into submission. If the Narcissist comes across a person who cannot be manipulated or controlled, he will smear that person behind their back as a way to isolate them, thus “winning”.
Narcissists are Hypocrites
It’s “different” when they do it, despite it being exactly the same. Narcissists do not do unto others as they would have them do unto themselves.
Pam McCoy is a writer, author and co-host of Crazybusters.
Thanks Pam, I’m looking at a couple of those and thinking hmm. I’ll put my recent vanity down to a midlife crisis. Thought I’d add a few if that’s ok. You’ve probably mentioned under different headings
12) manipulative and exploitative – they’ll twist arms, whisper in people’s ears, sow seeds of doubt ….to get what they want
13) they can lead parasitic lifestyles
14) they have a profound sense of entitlement. If you’re the type of person who says sorry to everyone who bumps into you on a sidewalk because you didn’t move out the way, then imagine the exact opposite.
All good ones. I decided to end it at 11 because I got tired of typing. But there are SOOOOOO many negative traits.
Dr Tara Palmatier says
Oh, how I don’t miss the piano playing. If I never hear Joplin or Chopin again it’ll be too soon. In my mind the composers have morphed into Choplin.
Great article, Pam!
Thanks, Dr. T!
Bob Lupton says
I’ve always wanted to know when something triggers an emotion, what they are thinking when they launch into the memory lane everything you have ever done wrong lecture.
I was on vacation last week with my wife. I am trying to make an effort, she wrenched her
back, so i’ve been massaging her back for about a half hour, took a break because my hands her. she says to do more and i didn’t filter myself and I sighed. OMG. First I get the “you dont call me honey or baby anymore” then down memory lane. the rage lasted for 2 days. And the place where I work wonders (actually they know) why I don’t take vacation. 🙂 I like to call
it the 90/10 rule. you can do 9 things right, but screw up once and ka-boom! As the other fb post from here reminds me “since nothing you do is good enough, do something for yourself”. THis site has saved my life!
Shame on you for giving your wife a back rub! Just kidding, of course. The gesture of a back rub was very kind on your part since I assume you are no a masseuse and if I were to make a guess, I’ll bet your wife would never do the same in your time of need….. Much less, you did nothing to deserve 2 days of raging. This is not about you screwing up but rather you were going to be wrong no matter what you did because your wife enjoys raging.
The only way you can escape this abuse is by escaping the abuser. She’s not going to stop.