Living with a Narcissist (or Borderline, Psychopath) is difficult to describe to people who haven’t experienced the horror first hand. Most people think a Narcissist is merely a vain, self-centered person who likes to talk about themselves. While this much is true, it barely scratches the surface of the evil the Narcissist is capable of and willing to inflict upon those closest to her/him.
The reason that outsiders won’t understand is because the person the Narcissist presents to the outside world is a lie, a fabrication, a Mask. It is the same Mask the Narcissist wore during the love bombing phase of your relationship. In addition to being vain and self-centered, the Narcissist is also a Pathological Liar and a fraud who pretends to be sentient and caring, but in reality is a cruel monster who lacks empathy. Because the Narcissist is a Pathological Liar, s/he has a difficult time keeping up with his/her own lies, and lives in constant fear of being exposed. Any threat or paranoia of exposure will result in violent rage.
The “food” the Narcissist craves is Narcissist Supply. This comes in the form of domination and control of subordinates/codependents who see behind the mask, and in the form of flattery and praise from those people who only witness the Narcissist’s masked version of himself. This provides the Narcissist with a variety of emotional food sources.
Because of the Narcissist’s need for both types of supply, the Narcissist is intensely guarded against outsiders seeing behind the Mask, and terrorizes his subordinate supply into hiding the Narcissist’s real (Monster) persona from the rest of the world. In other words, the Narcissist requires victims who will keep his abuse a secret while helping him to perpetuate the Mask persona. Because the subordinate supply has been gradually conditioned to fear the Narcissist’s rage, they become complicit in the perpetuation of the Mask for survival.
Eventually even the “best” Codependent will become worn down from suffering from second hand mental illness, and will either:
- Die (literally from suicide or figuratively from sinking into a permanent state of depression from the continuous emotional abuse);
- Escape like a runaway slave; or
- Become Discarded by the Narcissist for a fresh source of supply from the victims s/he has been harvesting all along from outside sources.
If you are trapped in a relationship with a Narcissist, I urge you to begin planning your escape. Confide in trusted friends and family (NOT mutual friends). Seek counseling, because you’re going to need it.
I hope you come to believe that you deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Pam McCoy is a writer, author and co-host of Crazybusters.
John says
Hi Pam
I was recently devalued and discarded by a friend / coworker who I believe has borderline traits. I have no idea the reason I was devalued and discarded as she has basically refused to talk to me and reply to any text messages.
During or perhaps just prior ot the devaluation phase I did start to see cracks in the mask. Extreme rage from a what I consider a minor infraction from her neighbour. Sudden and extreme changes in emotions. Incoherent text messaging.
Just before the discard I think I saw her in all her glory without the mask. We attended an event together that was planned months before. I wasn’t even sure she was going to but surprisingly she did. During this event which we sat together, she literally refused to speak to me, only communicating in short and curt sentences. She did seem happy to send and receive text messages constantly and would even smile when she saw people she knew. I didn’t react to this disrepectful behaviour but I wonder if she was trying to illicit some sort of reaction from me. All I can say is that it literally seemed like she was possessed by foreign life form.
In the office, she is somehow capable of dealing with me if work related but other than that she struggles to look me in the eye.
What I’m wondering is that once the BPD’s mask crumbles and they know you have seen the emotional mess that they really are, is it game over in their eyes as far as the friendship goes?
I can only assume she is using silent treatment to avoid talking and taking responsibility for her behaviour. I also feel like she may not be able to explain to me what happened as that would expose the shame she feels or at least leave herself vunerable. I’m hoping you could add to or even correct my thoughts here on this.
I couldn’t return to the friendship without some acknowledgement of what happen and I’m not expecting it anytime soon. It is difficult feeling like I’m the only one if the office who has seen her without the mask. She treats everyone else in the office normally with the mask on but she doesn’t bother with the mask with me. If there are any words of advice here (besides changing jobs) would be appreciated.
Thanks
John
Pam says
The dreaded Silent Treatment. I’m in the process of writing an article on this topic.
I’m sorry you had to experience it, but look on the bright side. She “discarded” you but you no longer have to endure her abuse. The Cluster B’s can’t keep their masks on, and then they hate you for seeing them without the mask. She did you a favor by leaving.
Gypsyfire says
In a bubble.everyone id seek for help or confide in seems to have a current link to any of these im trying to flee from. No matter the state or time line its the creepist thing. My house from birth was built with this i give narcissism a different name. One of biblical proportions. Its the chain gange that seeks no justice and to capture slay the innocent and or change them to be part of it .sometimes being non the wiser. Theres another highy recommended book on this in your current motel drawer or home, pew and donation bin. God couldnt bring molly, to the mountain so he brought the mountain to molly. Stay faithful brothers and sisters.