At some point during your journey to understand why your life seems to be unraveling, you stumbled across an article on social media about Narcissism, or perhaps your therapist recommended a book on the topic.  And there began your spiral down the rabbit hole towards discovering everything there is to know about Narcissism and Cluster B Personality Disorders.

And this is not a bad thing.  Knowing what you are dealing with is very important to your recovery.  But understanding narcissists is only a small portion of the real issue.  Yes, narcissists are evil, lying, cruel, manipulative abusers.  The real issues that you should be seeking answers for and solutions to is:

• Why are you in a relationship with a narcissist?
• Why did you ignore all of the red flags that should have alarmed you enough to end the relationship early on?
• Why are you afraid of enforcing boundaries?  I know the answer to this.  It’s because you know that if you enforce boundaries against the narcissist, the narcissist will leave you.
• Why are you afraid of being rejected/abandoned/discarded by a person who is evil, lying, cruel, manipulative and abusive towards you?
• Why do you have so much empathy for the narcissist and none for yourself?

Codependency is characterized by a reliance on other people for approval, to an unhealthy degree.  Many codependents see themselves as rescuers.  It is this combination of rescuer seeking approval that renders codependents targets for predatory narcissists.  But it is also these characteristics in the codependent that causes codependents to target narcissists.

In this relationship made in Hell, the codependent is busy “rescuing” the narcissist from his (or her) self-induced crisis, and the narcissist is perpetually angry at the codependent’s failure to insulate him from the natural consequences of his actions, so that this couple is constantly at odds with one another. In this scenario, the codependent is avoiding his (or her) own issues by becoming martyred. There is never true harmony or trust in this relationship because of the volatility and inherent insecurity. The codependent walks on eggshells and voluntarily ignores their own needs and desires in vain attempts to anticipate and prevent the narcissist’s next eruption.  This dynamic allows both parties to avoid the thing they fear most: emotional intimacy.  There is no shared affection. There is only addiction to the push and pull.

Unfortunately, this relationship, due to its one-sided nature, “kills” the codependent, in that the codependent is set up for failure, by design.  The codependent becomes depressed and beaten down, to the point where he or she must either finally stand up to the narcissist (thus, ending the relationship), or becomes so “lifeless” and unable to be a source of narcissistic supply to the narcissist, that the narcissist abruptly discards the codependent and replaces them with fresh supply.  And this dynamic does not necessarily result in an end to the relationship.  If the narcissist still sees some value (financial, status, etc.) in keeping you around, expect the narcissist to have a blatant affair(s).

Many narcissists enjoy having a beaten down, depleted codependent in their possession, because it feeds their ego to have someone so easily dominated at their ready disposal. If you get to this point in the relationship with the narcissist and you are not discarded, expect the abuse to escalate.

If this article sounds bleak and depressing so far, it’s because being the codependent in a relationship with a narcissist knows no other possible outcome.  If you are in a relationship with a narcissist and you are hoping and expecting that this person will change if you just try harder, please stop.  Narcissists are parasites who destroy their hosts.  No amount of self-sacrifice will force the narcissist to love you.

But there is good news.  Unlike the narcissist, who is incapable of changing/growing/improving or overcoming his (or her) disorder, there is hope for the codependent.  But your situation is hopeless if you choose to stay and be devoured by the narcissist.

Get out.  I know it’s not easy but get out as soon as you are able.  Find a good therapist, find a good support group.  Stop reading books about Narcissism and begin reading books on Codependency. Reconnect with old friends and family with whom you have become isolated.

Learn to love yourself and you will stop being attracted to love-less people.

 

 Pam McCoy is a writer, author and co-host of Crazybusters.

 

Most articles about relationships with narcissists center around the narcissist and codependent archetypes.  But have you ever wondered if narcissists are truly compatible with anyone else?

While “compatibility” is subjective, there are several possible relationship scenarios between a narcissist and anyone else, that work for all parties involved (save, except for any unfortunate children who are born to them).  The one I will discuss in this article is the symbiotic and transactional relationship between a somatic narcissist and the gold digger narcissist.

“Gold Digger” is a derogatory colloquialism describing a woman who deploys her sexual wares to ensnare herself a financially affluent husband.

A “somatic” narcissist is a descriptor typical of the narcissist who is prone to being flashy and boastful.  It’s most important to the somatic narcissist that his physical possessions, his prowess and his appearance, be acknowledged, glorified and envied.  The somatic narcissist is the person driving the flashy car, sporting the Rolex and, as described further in this article, wearing the most attractive woman he can afford, on his arm.

The “Gold Digger” is the female version of a somatic narcissist, whose goal it is to snare herself, by any means necessary, a wealthy somatic narcissist who will support her in the means she believes she is entitled.

The somatic narcissist and the gold digger have an unspoken understanding that theirs is a contractual relationship where both of their needs are being met, and since they are both narcissistic, neither of them expects emotional intimacy.  Together they fill each other’s desires to be appear superior to everyone around them. They are the ultimate power couple.

This couple is also likely to have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” attitude towards infidelity.  As both understand the insatiable need for variety in narcissistic supply, affairs are common, especially considering neither is capable of loyalty.

“But where is the love?”  you ask.  “Don’t narcissists want to be loved?”  And, “Don’t they feel sleazy knowing that their partner only wants them for their physical and financial value? Doesn’t the narcissist want to be loved for who they are and not for what they have?”

The answer to all of these questions is no.  They want to be admired, envied and feared. But they absolutely do not care about being loved. At least not in the sense that non-disordered people define love.  Narcissists are incapable of true intimacy and they view things like love, generosity, sympathy, empathy and charity, as a weakness to be exploited.  Narcissists only respect other exploitative narcissists and sociopaths like themselves.

The only snare in the arrangement between the somatic narcissist and gold digger, comes into play whenever one or both of them fails to hold up their end of inflating the other person’s ego.  Or when one of the outside sources of narcissistic supply becomes more lucrative.  For instance, if the gold digger gains weight or allows her physical appearance to diminish, she will be discarded and exchanged for a younger source.  Or if the somatic narcissistic squanders his wealth, he will be of no use to the gold digger. Since both are completely self-centered, there will always be a competition for whose needs trump whose.  The contractual relationship will quickly come to an end when a better contract becomes available.

 

 Pam McCoy is a writer, author and co-host of Crazybusters.

 

My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder.

In case you aren’t familiar with the variances between the different personality disorders, here is a cliff noted version: All of the Cluster B Personality Disorders share some common traits, and many who fall into the cluster have overlapping traits.  For instance, all (narcissists, sociopaths, borderlines and histrionics) have a lack of empathy and are narcissistic.  Almost all within the cluster rage (adult version of tantrums) at their “loved” ones.  Sociopaths are more characterized by physical violence but all of the cluster may resort to violence during a psychotic break. Histronics are characterized by being hyper-sexual as a means to get attention but any disordered individuals within the cluster will use whatever tools are within their tool box in order to manipulate a mark. Most narcissists have a fear of abandonment but the narcissist’s trademark difference is their need to be recognized as superior to everyone around them, and they create a false self (a persona based on lies).  Borderlines differ only slightly from the other disorders within the cluster, in that fear of abandonment is their main driver, although borderlines will resort to all means of manipulation to prevent a “loved” one from abandoning them.

For reasons that would require another article to explain, most borderlines are female.

The purpose of this article is to describe to you what it is like to be raised by a Borderline mother.  It is directed at those of you who are currently in a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with, or you suspect might be Borderline (moving forward referred to as BPD), in hopes that you will think twice before agreeing to or “accidentally” getting a BPD pregnant.

Because the BPD believes that you will abandon her, she needs to secure a hostage to anchor you to her, in hopes that you will either stay in an abusive relationship with her for (very real) fear of what she will do to your child, or that you will be forced to interact with her from afar, in order to see the hostage.

BPD’s, because they lack empathy, and despite claiming they love their children more than life itself, are incapable of loving a child (or anyone, for that matter).  Empathy requires that you emotionally put yourself into another person’s shoes and since BPD’s lack empathy, they are incapable of separating their needs from their own children’s.  Therefore, they do not view their children as individuals but rather as extensions of themselves.  So where it would be beneficial for the child to have a loving connection to both parents, the BPD will view you as a threat to her control and will brainwash her child into believing that you are the child’s enemy.

My mother did this right under my father’s nose and they stayed married until he died.  Parental alienation is 100% effective and it is not exclusive to divorce situations. The child will always choose the parent who is forcing them to choose sides.  Your child(ren) will be taught to hate you.

BPD’s are threatened by their children’s natural progression into adulthood and they intentionally do things to stunt their development like keeping them in diapers, talking to them in baby talk, creating disabilities (i.e., going to doctor after doctor until they find one who will diagnose the child with having ADD or having a learning disability).  This is known as infantilism.  BPD’s love a child who has an IEP because a child who is less capable of learning to care for themselves is less likely to grow up and abandon the BPD.  My mother had three hostages and she chose my brother (her youngest child) as her infantilised child.  She discouraged him from progress by dressing him, cutting his food in his teens. He was never assigned chores, didn’t do his homework, failed his classes in school with no repercussions, was slow to walk, slow to learn to talk, stayed in diapers until he was four years old, and was discouraged from playing sports.

I was the oldest and the black sheep, the most rebellious, and my sister, the middle child, was largely ignored.  All three of us suffered in different ways but I believe my brother got the worst of it.

As the oldest child, I was chosen to be my Mother’s best friend and therapist. She would confide in me gross details of her marriage.  I knew things that no child should know.  She would get me in the car and talk endlessly about what a horrible husband my father was to her, how he was always too drunk to have sex, about how she lost her virginity, about my father’s love life prior to meeting and marrying her.  She complained to me about their finances. No topic was taboo.  I was chosen to be the parentified child.

Whenever I disagreed (“argued”) with my mother, she would tell me that, “Your father and I should have never had kids!”  In other words, if I’m going to disagree with her, what good am I?  I should have not been born.

Due to her lack of boundaries (or a respect for my right to them) my mother developed inappropriately close friendships with my friends, where she would attempt to triangulate us, telling my friends I had said bad things about them which I hadn’t, and then telling me that my friends had said the same things about me, but made me promise not to tell them I knew.  This was the way she interacted with all people.  Divide and conquer.  Isolate and control. I used to wonder why some of my friends shunned me for no reason.

The BPD mother also fears that her children (if there are multiples) will gang up against her.  So she triangulates them to ensure they remain at odds with one another, creating jealousy and envy and an unnatural competitiveness between siblings. The BPD mother will lead her children to believe that there is only enough “motherly love” for one child and that her affections must be fought for and won.

By the time I reached my teen-aged years I had already come to realize that Mom was not a person who could be trusted with anything, that she lied to me without remorse and that she was actually out to do me harm.  But by this time, my self esteem had been demolished and my choice in peers matched the way I had learned to feel about myself – unworthy of love or respect.

It may sound as though I am resentful of my upbringing and honestly, I was for a long time. But I have chosen to learn and grow from the experience.  I have a depth and breadth of understanding that someone from an outside perspective can only conceptualize.

I implore you to reconsider having a child with someone you believe has BPD.  Having a child with this person will not improve your relationship.  In fact, it will make it worse because the BPD will use the child as leverage to unleash her pent up rage on you, as well as HER child. You will be setting up your child for a lifetime of hardship and emotional damage and even worse, the possibility of your child becoming personality disordered from the abuse.

 

Pam McCoy is a writer, author and co-host of Crazybusters.

 

 

 

Sleep deprivation seems to be a common theme in the narcissistic abuse support forums.  Of all the many, many ways that a narcissist abuses their victims, depriving their “loved ones” of sleep is one of the most cruel and insidious.  Sleep, after all, is as vital to our survival as water and food.

Sleep deprivation causes delirium, high blood pressure, weight gain, memory loss and even psychosis.   All conditions which would cause the victims to become more vulnerable, and thus, more pliable and easier to manipulate.

But does the narcissist really know these conditions result, and is so calculating as to intentionally provoke them by preventing their “loved ones” from sleeping, or waking them from sleep?

No doubt some of the most evil among the disordered, do. But I believe in most cases, the narcissist is so self centered as to not even take their victims’ need for sleep into consideration at all. To calculate another person’s needs requires, first, to consider the other person, a PERSON.  It is this lack of attention to their victims’ needs that causes the narcissist to deprive their “loved ones” of sleep.

Besides, most of the narcissists I have known throughout my life (and there have been many), all have had issues with sleeping. I believe this is caused from the constant state of anxiety, fear and insecurities relative to the disorder.  So as the narcissist is laying awake at night, drowning in self-loathing, worried about being exposed for their fraudulent activities and lies, and projecting all of those despicable qualities onto their “loved one”, the narcissist becomes enraged that the person they blame for failing to protect them from their own actions and resulting emotions, is laying there sleeping.

SO THEY WAKE THEM UP.  Victims of narcissistic abuse are often awakened from deep sleep to encounter the rage of a narcissist. And, as with all actions of a narcissist, it has nothing to do with the victim or anything they did while sleeping or before, but rather, the narcissist needed a person to project their late night self loathing rage onto, and who better than their primary source of narcissistic supply? The person sleeping next to them.

If you are living with a narcissist, please know that there is no cure for this disorder.  Empathy is not something that can be learned later in life. If you are hoping that the disordered person in your life is going to seek out therapy to learn ways to change their own behavior, it may help temporarily, or they may learn some new techniques for manipulating you.  But the narcissist will never, ever learn to view you as a real person (like them), or care how their actions are hurting you.  This includes, financial abuse, infidelity, emotional abuse and cruelty of unfathomable forms, including sleep deprivation.

If you are tired of sleeping with one eye open, you need to begin making your plans to escape the narcissist and go complete No Contact.

 

Pam McCoy is a writer, author and co-host of Crazybusters.