Dr Tara Palmatier, Author at CrazyBusters

Emotional Toddlers: Narcissists, Borderlines and Psychopaths, Part 1

September 7, 2016 By Dr Tara Palmatier 8 Comments

Since beginning Shrink4Men in 2009, I’ve frequently referred to narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths, histrionics and sociopaths as children in adult bodies or emotional toddlers. That’s because they frequently think and act much younger than their physical age. In other words, they exhibit a persistent and chronic lifelong pattern of emotional and psychological immaturity.

You can’t have an adult relationship with a child nor can you have a functional adult relationship with a child in an adult’s body. Individuals with these characterological deficits simply lack the capacity to build stable adult relationships.

Sure, they might have friendships that go back 10 years or more, but consider the nature of the friendships. Typically, “friends” of narcissists and other emotional toddlers are comprised of:

Minions — cheerleaders and flying monkeys, in other words enablers;
Narcissistic supply — lickspittles, toadies, buttkissers and sycophants;
Fellow bullies of a feather who terrorize the countryside together;
Other drama llamas that feed off one another’s perpetual chaos emissions; or
Good people who are friends with the narcissist’s or borderline’s mask/public persona, not the jerk who abuses you when no one’s watching.

These friends aren’t friends, they’re useful tools. And that’s what you are to your narcissist or psychopath — a useful tool. Until you’re not. Then you’ll be devalued, discarded and replaced.

If you’re the adult child of a narcissist or borderline, you were probably parentified as a child. You grow up fast when you have a personality disordered parent. You have to — mommy or daddy needs you to take care of them. In which case, you probably developed some codependent caretaker traits and have chosen adult partners who are just as emotionally and psychologically underdeveloped as your parent(s).

In other words, your model for adult relationships was anything but adult. You were conditioned to believe that love is doing and doing for others and sacrifice and pain. Unlike actual children with good enough parents, narcissists and psychopaths don’t grow up. She or he isn’t going to have an epiphany and change their ways. They’ll continue to take and take and take until you’ve nothing left to take. They’ll exploit and abuse you until they break you and then become angry with you and blame you for being broken. Just like a toddler who breaks a toy by playing roughly with it.

If you’re married to, dating or have a parent who is a narcissist, there are probably many occasions when it feels like you’re dealing with a 3-year old in a 53-year old’s body. Odds are that’s exactly what was happening. Ever try to reason with a 3-year old? A 12-year old? Good luck with that.

The reason it feels like you’re dealing with a toddler if your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, parent, sibling, etc., has narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic traits is because these personalities are frozen in a state of arrested emotional, psychological and moral development. Here are some traits that narcissists et al have in common with actual toddlers:

Tantrums. Tantrums are multi-purpose. Narcissists and borderlines tantrum in order to get their way. They tantrum when they want attention. They tantrum when they’re bored. They tantrum because they’re enamored with the sound of their own caterwauling. They tantrum just for the pleasure of seeing you scurry, scamper and wince. They tantrum to keep their nearest and dearest on their toes.

If you’re presently determined to stay with your narcissist or borderline, for whatever reason, stop rewarding her or his tantrums. Ignore them. Leave the house. Hang up the phone. Heck, turn off your phone. Expect that he or she will escalate. Continue to ignore them. Unless she threatens to make a false 911 call or he or she becomes violent, then please, please, please get the hell away from them as fast as you can.

Unreasonable and incessant need for attention. Being in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath eventually feels like breast feeding an angry baby crocodile with a tapeworm. They never seem to tire of feeding. Their appetite for attention is insatiable.

I lived with a narcissist for nearly 7 years. The empathy well ran dry at around year 4. I should’ve realized the end was nigh when he made one of his emotional distress signals (a heavy sigh accompanied by brow furrowing and holding his forehead in his hands as if in mortal agony) and I inwardly rolled my eyes. By that time, I’d ceased to jump in response to his nonstop attention-seeking. His laundry needed washing and his meals needed cooking, too, not to mention the work I’m actually paid to do. There are only 24 hours in a day after all.

After I didn’t immediately stop what I was doing to inquire what or who was vexing him in that particular instant, he followed up the nonverbal distress signals with, “I’m feeling really anxious.” Translation: “Stop what you’re doing, assume the position and listen to me.” My internal editor must’ve been on a coffee break because I reflexively asked, “What is it now?” Whoopsy and KABOOM!

I had nothing left to give. He’d consumed it all. I later discovered he was already actively grooming my replacement when that occurred. It’s the narcissist’s equivalent of double-dipping their chips. It’s not attention seeking, it’s attention gluttony. It calls to mind Templeton the Rat gorging himself at the fair in Charlotte’s Web.

Poorly developed problem-solving skills. If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath, you probably describe yourself as afraid of conflict. Maybe you are, maybe you’re not. It’s more likely that you avoid conflict because of how your NPD/BPD does conflict. This emotional toddler creates conflict not to resolve issues, but to distract from the real issues — his or her personality and destructive behaviors.

They’re not interested in determining and doing what’s right. They just want to be right, especially when it’s blindingly obvious that they’re wrong. That’s the sweet spot right there. If she or he can get you to apologize for whatever shitty thing they did to you it’s a narcgasm. They bully, bulldoze, talk over, pout, threaten, kitchen sink, derail the conversation, bring up old conflicts. Whatever it takes.

They’re not interested in compromise or finding win-win solutions. The only win for this kind of person is if she or he gets what they want and for you to absorb the cost be it monetary, emotional or physical. They have to have all the cookies, a much bigger cookie or, at the very least, 3 more chocolate chips than you. Your suffering is what makes her or him happy, but not for very long. They want what they want whenever and where ever they want it and you’d better deliver, dammit. The volcano god/goddess requires regular sacrifices.

Need based love. A child’s love for her or his parents is born of need. Infants can’t take care of themselves and rely on their parents utterly. Children and children in adult bodies don’t have the capacity for mature love based on mutuality and reciprocity. Your narcissist doesn’t love you. Your narcissist loves you for what you can do for her or him. You’re a source of supply — attention, social status, ass kissing, physical labor, money, etc. You’re the most amazing person ever when your narcissist is getting everything he or she wants and you shield them from life’s everyday frustrations.

Narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths need their targets and enablers. They don’t love them. Periodically, when they’re not in a state of need, they expect you to leave them alone. Or, rather look at them adoringly and observe them ignoring you just like children want mom and dad to watch them do handstands in the swimming pool. They don’t want the parent to participate in their play. They want the parent to be their audience.

Poopy Diaper Face. It’s the look of emotional constipation the narcissist, borderline or psychopath gets just before she or he gets their tantrum on. Sometimes it’s more subtle like a slow simmering pout. Sometimes it’s more scary and potentially dangerous like when they turn on the Death Stare™ or the Shark Eyes™.

In other words, it’s the non-verbal signal that your emotional toddler is building up to one of his or her episodes. Why do they do this? Much like actual infants and toddlers, most narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths don’t have the ability to self-soothe, amuse themselves, reality test and problem solve. When feeling any kind of emotional or physical discomfort their reflexive behavior is to alert the nearby grown-ups to come and tend to them.

Or, if they can’t get your attention fast enough they’ll then self-soothe through self-destructive and destructive to others behaviors. Alcohol and drug abuse, overeating, overspending, cheating, raging at you to provoke an angry response, lying (creates the feeling of duper’s delight) — you know the drill.

Caring for oneself is the duty of every adult. It’s a duty to ourselves and others. When children are small and helpless, it’s a parent’s job to protect and care for them. It’s also a parent’s job to teach children how to assume increasing personal responsibility and self-care as it becomes developmentally appropriate.

It’s not your job to parent your narcissist, borderline or psychopath. If you believe it’s your responsibility ask yourself why? Why do you believe it’s your responsibility? Where did you learn that? Why are you taking that on? HINT: The answer isn’t, “Because I love her” or “Because I love him.”

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life tending to an emotional toddler who refuses to grow up? Do you want to be a parent or a partner? If you want a relationship of equals it’s time to launch your emotional toddler. It’s highly unlikely she or he will grow up. They’ll just find their next enabler, but you’ll be well rid of them. Then you can start taking care of you.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides individual services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Services page for professional inquiries.

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Basic Relationship Boundaries, Part 2

August 23, 2016 By Dr Tara Palmatier 2 Comments

Do you have a pattern of dysfunctional and toxic relationships? Don’t despair. If you’re codependent and not personality disordered (e.g., narcissistic, borderline, histrionic, sociopathic or psychopathic) you can break this pattern. It probably won’t be as easy or fast as you’d like, but it can be done. Change, even when it’s desired, is often painful and difficult. That’s why it’s called growing pains.

Basic Relationship Boundaries, Part 1 discusses the importance of reciprocal relationships, personal boundaries and not enabling other people’s abusive behavior. Before you can have a healthy relationship, it’s helpful to understand how and why you’ve gotten yourself into trouble in past and present relationships.

Most people who have unhealthy relationship patterns can trace it back to their childhoods. If your parents didn’t teach you to take care of yourself and have healthy boundaries, which is true of many codependents, then you need to begin with the basics. Again, don’t beat up on yourself. How are you supposed to know how to do something if no one ever taught you? Or, worse yet, taught you to ignore your own needs and well-being in order to take care of them instead? How are you supposed to know what a functional relationship is when your parents modeled toxic and dysfunctional relationships?

If you were expected to take care of your mother’s and father’s emotional and physical needs as a child it was a role reversal. It’s called parentification and is a form of child abuse. Adults are supposed to take care of their kids, not the other way round. If you’re codependent, you basically have to learn how to care for and love yourself as an adult in the ways your parents did not and could not when you were a child.

After you accomplish this, the once irresistible siren song of Crazy (e.g., narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, sociopaths, passive-aggressives, control freaks, bullies, the super clingy and needy, etc.,) will begin to sound like a demonic car alarm going off at 4 ‘o’ clock in the morning. In other words, these individuals will repel and repulse you rather than attract and magnetize you.

Are you ready to start packing for that one-way train out of Crazytown? Okay, great. Let’s explore two more basic relationship boundaries: Accountability and self-care.

Accountability. Oh, what a beautiful world it would be if everyone took personal responsibility for themselves! Alas, society and our media seem determined to cultivate a carnival culture of entitlement, blame and professional victimhood. Who in their right mind would want to be a victim? Lots of disordered, dysfunctional, attention-seeking people, actually. Probably not the actual victimization itself, but what comes after. Professional victims desire the special privileges and and exemptions for their own bad behavior they receive by virtue of being a “victim.”

People who have been truly victimized don’t relish the role of victim. They don’t want to be seen as victims and they’re usually not super duper eager to tell complete strangers, on a first date for example, about their rich and varied history of child abuse, domestic violence and sexual assault. This is also a boundary issue. People with boundaries take time to get to know someone and develop trust before sharing such personal information.

Professional victims may or may not have been legitimately victimized. More often than not, the only thing professional victims are victims of are their own bad choices. Upon closer inspection, it’s not unusual to discover that their tales of woe have been fabricated or greatly exaggerated. So why do they portray themselves as victims?

The primary perk of being a professional victim is the abdication of personal accountability and responsibility. “I need your passwords and text harass you at work because my father cheated on my mother. If you don’t respond to my 30 text messages while you’re at the office how do you expect me to trust you’re not a cheat, too?!” “My last wife was demanding and abusive, so you have to deal with my inconsiderate and dismissive behavior. If you hold me accountable, then you’re being just like my ex-wife.”

No matter how wretched and deplorable their behavior, they expect others to look the other way because they’re a “victim.” They believe they’re special cases who are owed. They also believe they should be exempt from laws, social mores and other rules of basic decency by which us non-victims abide. Professional victims, abusers and the personality disordered almost always have an excuse for their rotten behavior. Even if they admit the way they treated you was wr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-ong, it was really your fault or someone else’s fault, don’t you know? Just look at what you made them do!

So what does this have to do with you — assuming you’re reading this article because you struggle with codependency and would like to have healthier relationships?

Codependents are often hyper-accountable and hyper-responsible. Parentified children grow up very fast. Are you quick to take the blame and assign responsibility to yourself for things that aren’t your fault or responsibility? Narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths are blame shifters extraordinaire. They also like to have others do their work for them. This is another way that people pleasing, fixer codependents dovetail with the personality disordered. It really is a perfect storm.

Why is your abusive girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse or ex’s atrocious behavior your fault? It isn’t. Why do their wants trump your needs? They don’t. Why does the fact that they (maybe) had a difficult childhood or (maybe) had an abusive first (second, third or fourth) husband or wife mean you have to tolerate their BS, tiptoe around their hair trigger sensitivities and buy into their highly ~~distorted~~ creative version of reality? It doesn’t.

Many of my clients fall into the trap of making excuses for the way the personality disordered people in their lives behave. So Nancy the Narcissist or Bob the Borderline had abusive parents and suffered childhood trauma, so what? If you’re codependent, odds are you also had a rough childhood with equally dysfunctional parents. Do you use that as a justification to mistreat and trample the rights of others? Do you feel entitled to exploit the hard work, kindness and conscientiousness of others because your ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends were jerks? I’m guessing not.

While this should go without saying, this is the Internet: I’m not minimizing the damage caused by childhood abuse and trauma. What I’m saying is that it doesn’t give anyone carte blanche to abuse and exploit others as an adult. One of my parents probably qualified for a diagnosis of NPD with some BPD features mixed in for that extra-special dash of Cray-Cray. I know firsthand what it is to be a kid in those circumstances. It was hell, but it doesn’t mean I get to asshole my way through life with reckless abandon.

Later as an adult, I chose several partners with similar personalities (damn that repetition compulsion!) We’re supposed to have compassion for children who begin life with trainwreck parents, but once we’re adults we are responsible for our choices, words and deeds. Having a personality disorder doesn’t exempt an individual from personal responsibility despite their caterwauling to the contrary.

While you’re not to blame for the abuse you’ve suffered, you’re responsible for your adult relationship choices. You are accountable to yourself. Understanding codependency, parentification and all the other self-help material is important. However, once you recognize what you’ve been experiencing is abuse and believe your spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend is narcissistic, borderline or sociopathic, it’s your responsibility to remove yourself from the abuse. In all likelihood this means removing yourself from the relationship.

Of course, this is more difficult when shared children are involved, but people do it. You cannot 100% protect a child from a personality disordered parent, especially if the disordered parent is the mother, unless you’re able to remove the child from the disordered parent. The best you can do is provide the child with extra support, professional if need be, teach the child how to have healthy boundaries and not to take on their disordered parent’s crap. *I have seen cases where disordered fathers have successfully manipulated family court. It’s less common, but it happens. Manipulators and persuasive blamers know how to manipulate and blame shift, female or male.

Typically, when you hold a narcissist or other pathologically emotionally immature individual accountable, they don’t like it. Well, that’s an understatement. They hate it. HATE, HATE, HATE IT. Holding this kind of person accountable usually results in raging, tantrums, pouting, the silent treatment, accusations of abuse, divorce threats, threats to call 911 and sometimes physical violence. To the narcissist, borderline or psychopath being held accountable is experienced as “abuse;” your healthy boundaries are experienced as attempts to “control them.”

When an adult refuses to hold her- or himself accountable it’s fundamentally an issue of maturity, or the lack thereof. There is also a hypersensitivity to criticism, a lack of self-awareness, inability to self-reflect and gross sense of entitlement at play. Seriously, you cannot have a healthy, mutual, reciprocal adult relationship with this kind of person. You just can’t. So hold yourself accountable and ask yourself why you’ve been doing this?

Your childhood may explain it, but it doesn’t justify continuing to persevere down such a destructive and futile path. Attempting to fix a broken narcissist or borderline, an impossible task, isn’t going to undo the pain of your childhood. None of us have to repeat our parents’ lives if we consciously and purposefully choose not to do so.

I repeat, none of us have to repeat our parents’ lives if we consciously and purposefully choose not to do so.

Self-Care. The concept of self-care is deceptively simple. If you’re truly taking good care of yourself, you won’t accept the abuse of others. Nor will you make excuses for why you’ve been tolerating their abuse and disrespect. Many of the codependents I work with had parents who didn’t teach them how to care for themselves, sometimes right down to basic physical care (e.g., getting enough sleep, a predictable schedule, nutrition, hygiene and physical activity).

As noted previously, many codependents were parentified as children. You’re taught to ignore or deny your own needs and wants in order to service your dysfunctional parent’s needs and wants. Essentially, you’re conditioned to put others first at your own expense. You were probably also made to feel bad and selfish for having your own needs, wants and feelings. It’s time to stop doing that.

Many of my clients, as they begin to practice self-care, notice a peculiar phenomenon. The narcissistic or borderline wife or husband doesn’t like it. They often ridicule my clients’ efforts to lose weight, exercise, learn a new skill, quit smoking, etc. My clients get accused of being selfish or having an affair. A loving partner encourages you to take care of yourself and be healthy. Not a self-absorbed personality disordered partner. She or he frequently experiences your self-care as a threat or an act of betrayal.

Predators of all kinds, including relationship predators, like easy, weakened targets. Their abuse tears you down. It’s easier to control you that way. Until they grow bored with you, then they find a more robust target and begin the idealization/devaluation process anew. Your self-care efforts will build you back up. Combine that with your knowledge of how personality disordered people operate and manipulate, personal accountability and other boundaries and you’ll be well on your way.

If you don’t know where to start, work your way up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Eat better. Drink more water. Reduce or abstain from alcohol and other drugs, particularly if you’ve been using them to self-medicate. Get a check-up. Get on a regular sleep schedule, even if it means sleeping in the guest room. Get some exercise. Get a haircut. Spruce up your wardrobe. Resume old hobbies or pastimes. Reach out to old friends who fell by the wayside because of your toxic relationship.

Let your narcissistic or borderline spouse’s disapproval and anger at your self-care serve as your reinforcement to persist. Odds are if they disapprove or get nasty about it, it’s a healthy choice for you.

Be more patient and gentle with yourself. Learning self-care and boundaries as an adult can be difficult, or at least feel uncomfortable and weird initially. It will get easier with time. You’ll also notice how unhealthy your disordered partner is by the contrast. That’s okay. That’s how it’s supposed to work. It may seem daunting or terrifying at the moment, but once you get to the other side you’ll wonder what took you so long.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides individual services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women who trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Services page for professional inquiries.

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Codependency 101: What Does Being Codependent Mean?

July 29, 2016 By Dr Tara Palmatier 1 Comment

Are you codependent? If so, there are probably some things you have a tough time accepting about human nature and relationships. On the other hand, perhaps you’re not sure what codependent means, in which case, let’s begin with some basics.

Codependents need to be needed. They believe making oneself invaluable to another is the pathway to love. It isn’t. It’s the pathway to becoming a doormat, to being taken advantage of and to becoming a target of abuse. When someone loves you and you love them, you want to be with each other (interdependence). You don’t need to be with each other (dependence). The former is a mutual coming together. The latter is tinged with urgency and desperation.

Codependents may have difficulty being alone, feel unworthy of being loved and a fear of abandonment. A codependent will often sacrifice his or her needs and well-being to take care of others. However, they usually have a hard time asking others for help and support in return.

Codependents often attract and are attracted to partners, friends and colleagues who are abusive, exploitative, take them for granted and are frequently personality disorder traited or have full-blown personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder (i.e., sociopaths and psychopaths). This is probably because many codependents were parentified as children, or received love and approval (if lucky) for taking care of a parent’s emotional or physical needs. They usually learn from a very early age that their needs and well-being are a distant second (or third or fourth) and are conditioned to serve others and forsake their own needs and wants.

Codependents tend to choose adult relationship partners who are very similar in nature to their dysfunctional and probably personality disordered parents. It’s also not unusual for codependents to be in relationships with alcoholics and addicts in addition to the personality disordered and chronically mentally ill. Many codependents learned at an early age to put the needs and wants of their parent(s) ahead of their own, or were told they were being bad and selfish if they didn’t do so.

As children, codependents grew up believing that if they were good enough, smart enough, talented enough, invisible enough, sympathetic enough, undemanding enough, selfless enough and could anticipate their parents’ needs, wants and moods well enough that they could control their parents’ depressions, rages, alcoholism, general craziness, avoid their abuse and obtain their love and acceptance. This is magical thinking and, in adults, is referred to as the narcissism of the codependent or, in my opinion incorrectly as the inverted narcissist.

Codependents aren’t narcissists. I’ve had many codependent clients who’ve worried they’re narcissistic when they stumble across these terms. First of all, a codependent is the opposite of a narcissist. Opposite not inverted. There are narcissists who portray themselves as martyrs and are grandiose and self-serving in their “martyrdom” (think professional victims), but this is not codependency.

They’re the “poor me” narcissists instead of the “I’m fabulous” narcissists. No one has it as tough as them. No one does so much for others as them or sacrifices so much for others as them. No one has been treated as unfairly as them. Martyrcists™ are the best at having it so bad. They’re also not victims. They’re aggressors in whiny, bleating sheep’s clothing. Codependents don’t draw attention to themselves for all that they do for others, or whinge on and on about how they prostrate themselves in the service of others. Codependents are usually pretty self-effacing and believe that haven’t done enough and need to try harder.

Codependents are pathologically selfless and other-focused, while the narcissist is pathologically selfish and self-absorbed. Codependents spend much of their time trying to meet the needs of others to the point of anticipating a partner’s needs before their partner even recognizes them. Many codependents have been so other-focused for so long that they’ve an extremely difficult time identifying what their needs and wants are beyond making their narcissistic or borderline partner happy and avoiding his or her rage and abuse. A narcissist rarely gives a damn what anyone else wants or needs, not even their own children. They only care about themselves.

What does the narcissism of the codependent mean? It means if you’re codependent you have the magical belief that you can love an abusive and disordered partner well, that you can somehow fix them and turn them into a kind, loving decent human being. The codependent believes that he or she can “handle it.” No, you can’t. You couldn’t do it when you were a child with your parent(s) and you can’t do it with an adult partner who’s every bit as fucked up as your mom or dad was.

You’re not a super hero or heroine. For that matter most narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths aren’t archvillains. They’re just emotionally immature jerks whose childhood wounds dovetail with your own. It’s hubris to believe you have the power to change a personality disordered person, hence the narcissism of the codependent. Heal your wounds and you won’t match up with these predators anymore.

Here are some fundamentals to help you overcome your codependent beliefs and behaviors:

1. You can’t fix anyone else. You can only fix yourself. You can’t save or rescue someone from themselves. If you really feel the need to be the rescuer, adopt a pet from a kill shelter.

2. Doing for someone else what she or he is capable of doing for themselves isn’t helping, it’s enabling. Stop pushing the broom behind your narcissist, borderline or psychopath. A healthy person will ask, “Show me how, so I may do for myself.” A lazy, immature person says, “Do it for me.”

3. Everyone has issues. We each have a responsibility to ourselves, our loved ones and our communities to manage our own issues. You can’t do the work for someone else.

4. We teach others how to treat us. Accepting and tolerating bad behavior will only get you more of the same. Tolerating abuse doesn’t prove that you love someone unconditionally. It means you’re willingly participating in your own abuse and calling it love, which is wrong.

5. Feelings of pity, fear, obligation and guilt won’t kill you. Feel the guilt (or the fear or the pity or the obligation) and have boundaries anyway.

6. Taking care of yourself isn’t wrong. If someone makes you feel guilty or selfish for taking care of yourself yet expects you to satisfy their wants at your expense, they’re behaving like a selfish jerk and they should feel guilty. Of course, this type of person rarely feels guilt no matter how egregiously reprehensible their behavior is. Furthermore, they don’t give a damn about you or your well-being.

7. Stop doing favors for others to get them to like you. Do favors or offer assistance when asked because you feel like it, not because you’re afraid the other person will become angry or dislike you.

8. Allow people the grace and wisdom to experience the consequences of their choices. People learn and grow by experiencing natural consequences for their choices and behaviors, good, bad and indifferent. Narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths spend most of their lives evading the consequences for their irresponsible, reckless and abusive behavior.

9. You can still be a nice person and have boundaries. You can be a nice guy or nice gal and say no. It’s healthy.

10. Learn how to ask for help when you need support. Relationships should be a two-way street, not a one-way street paved with double standards. When you need an extra hand or a shoulder, ask for it. People who genuinely care about you will be happy to reciprocate. Give them that opportunity. Narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths take from others without giving back.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD helps individuals work through their relationship and codependency issues via telephone or Skype. She specializes in helping men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. She combines practical advice, emotional support and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Schedule a Session page for professional inquiries.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

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Basic Relationship Boundaries, Part 1

July 20, 2016 By Dr Tara Palmatier 3 Comments

So many of the men and women I work with become hyper-focused on being able to detect personality disorder warning signs or red flags after being in a relationship with an abusive narcissist, borderline or psychopath once they’re ready to begin dating again. This is perfectly natural and normal at this stage of the healing process. After you’ve been burned that badly, of course you don’t want to go through that kind of soul sucking, gut wrenching, heart breaking mindfuckery ever again.

It makes perfect sense that you’ll be especially sensitive to any indication of Crazy in a potential date or mate. Like after getting sick from bad shellfish, you want to be certain the next plate of oysters isn’t poisonous. While being able to identify bullies, selfish jerks, the emotionally immature, emotional vampires, the pathologically entitled — however you refer to these individuals — is important, it’s only half the equation.

At the risk of sounding like a broken MP3 file, you have to have boundaries.

Even if you miss a red flag or two, boundaries are your ultimate protection against narcissistic, borderline, histrionic and psychopathic men and women. Boundaries are your garlic necklace, wolf bane and crucifix. They’re your invisible fence. And remember, “Good fences make good neighbors” (Robert Frost, Mending Wall).

Ideally, boundaries are something good enough parents teach us as children. No hitting your siblings, keep your hands to yourself. Knock first and wait for permission before entering. Ask permission before borrowing a sibling’s stuff. Stay away from strangers. Inappropriate touching. Allowing children to dress themselves, toilet and bathe themselves and to decide when they’ve had enough dinner. Saying no to a hug. Allowing children to express their own likes and dislikes.

Essentially, boundaries are about personal autonomy, self-respect, personal safety and well-being and respecting the boundaries of others.

Unfortunately, many of us were raised by parents who either didn’t have boundaries themselves or didn’t tolerate, to put it mildly, others having boundaries with them. Think about it. What happened if you told your mother or father no? Was the mere thought telling either of your parents no terrifying?

Conversely, perhaps your mom and dad taught you to always turn the other cheek, to not make waves, to keep the peace, to be nice and try to get along with everybody. If so, they may have unintentionally trained you to be the perfect cannon fodder and doormat for abusive personalities like narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths. Those childhood teachings work great with other nice people, but not so much with narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths.

Narcissists and their ilk bank on others having flimsy boundaries or no boundaries to get away with their cruelty, treachery, manipulations and entitled attitudes. They looooooooove people who are “too nice.” Crazy sees kindness not as a virtue, but as a weakness to exploit.

That doesn’t mean that you have to stop being kind, nice, generous, accepting and loving. Not at all. It just means you have to become more discerning and stop being “nice” at your expense. In other words, you need to build or beef up your boundaries. Having boundaries doesn’t translate to being an asshole. It means you can still be nice to others without letting them take advantage of you and abuse you.

THE BASICS

I. The Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This is the law of reciprocity. It’s not the calculated giving something to get something that many narcissists engage in (i.e., creating a sense of obligation or you owe me), but rather what should be the natural and mutual give and take in adult relationships. Abusive personalities don’t abide by the Golden Rule, but rather the do as I say not as I do rule.

Do you give more than you get out of your relationships? Are your needs and wants as much of a priority to your spouse, friend, mother, father or sibling as she or he demands of you in terms of their needs and wants? Does Nina the Narcissist or Bob the Borderline make you feel guilty or rage at you if you don’t sacrifice your needs and well-being for their wants?

How would your boyfriend or girlfriend feel if you were to treat him or her the way they treat you? Is there a double standard in your relationships in terms of expectations and behavior? How are you justifying these relationship imbalances? Do you feel guilty or like you’re asking too much for your partner or friend to treat you with the same basic decency and courtesy that you show them?

Take an accounting of your relationships. Are you getting back as much as you give? Have you expressed your feelings about any relationship imbalances? How did the other person respond? Did they get angry? Dismissive? Make empty promises that things would get better? Or did they really listen and then take steps to make things better? If the Golden Rule isn’t at play in your relationships, it’s healthy and right to want to end or distance yourself from those relationships.

II. The Joy of No. If sorry is the hardest word for narcissists, then no is the hardest word for codependents. What’s the difference between codependents and nice people when it comes to saying no? Nice people say no because they’re unable to, don’t have the time to or don’t want to say yes. They don’t feel the need to defend or explain their no, and they don’t worry that someone will be mad at them or stop liking or loving them for saying no.

Example 1: Nice Person encounters Crazy in the dating pool. Crazy wants Nice Person to accompany her or him to a family wedding for their second date. Nice Person declines because that would be too much too soon. Crazy loses her or his marbles, accusing Nice Person of being a selfish commitment phobe who’s “afraid to love.” Nice Person smiles at Crazy, says the two of them aren’t a good fit and wishes Crazy well.

Nice Person doesn’t feel guilty or bad for saying no, nor does Nice Person feel guilty or bad for blocking Crazy on their cellphone or social media accounts once the text bombs and private message bombs cycling through blame shifting apologies, unfounded accusations and name-calling begin. Nice Person shrugs it off, doesn’t take it personally and gets on with his or her life as well as having a super funny dating anecdote to share with friends.

Example 2: Codependent encounters Crazy in the dating pool. Crazy wants Codependent to accompany them to a family wedding for their second date. Codependent thinks, “Oh my gosh! Crazy must be really serious about me!!! Yeah, I’ll go!” Codependent marries Crazy four months later, has two kids and is now in the middle of a high-conflict divorce and facing false abuse allegations.

Example 3: Codependent encounters Crazy in the dating pool. Crazy wants Codependent to accompany them to a family wedding for their second date. Codependent experiences an inner wave of panic and dread. Codependent really doesn’t want to go to the wedding, but worries Crazy won’t like them anymore if they decline. Codependent spends hours or days working out how to justify, defend and explain saying no, or lying about having a business trip or prior family obligation that weekend. Codependent hesitantly and nervously tries to tell Crazy a family wedding seems a little fast for a second date.

Crazy loses her or his marbles, accusing Codependent of being a selfish commitment phobe who’s “afraid to love.” Codependent feels h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e and agonizes over whether or not they’re really afraid to love and commitment phobic. Codependent feels guilty about Crazy not having a date to the family wedding because everyone in Crazy’s family wants to know when Crazy’s going to get married. What’s the big deal, right? It’s just a date with food, dancing and a band.

Codependent doesn’t stop to wonder why Crazy would want to take someone they’ve determined is commitment phobic and love avoidant to a wedding much less continue to date at all. Codependent goes to the wedding, marries Crazy four months later, has two kids and is now in the middle of a high-conflict divorce and facing false abuse allegations.

See the difference? All it takes to avoid the disastrous outcomes in Examples 2 and 3 is to say no and feel okay about saying no. Even if you still wrestle with guilt when you want to say no, that’s alright. Feel the guilt and say no anyway! Guilt won’t kill you. Just because you feel guilt, at least initially, doesn’t mean you have to base your decisions on it. Same goes for feelings of fear and obligation.

III. Enabling. Enabling is doing for someone what they’re capable of doing for themselves. Helping is teaching someone how to do for themselves and then letting them. It’s more helpful to teach someone to fish rather than giving them a fish each day. Teaching a person to fish helps him or her to be independent. Giving a person a daily fish makes them dependent.

Additionally, many codependents help first and ask questions later. Meaning that codependents often step in and try to fix, rescue or help others before even being asked to do so. If you’re wondering, “What’s wrong with that? Isn’t it good to be helpful?” keep reading.

Jumping in and doing for others robs a person of their ability to do for themselves. It deprives them of feeling autonomous, capable and a sense of accomplishment in being able to manage their own lives and whatever problems may arise. Healthy adults don’t want you to step in and do for them. This is why kids say, “Me do!” during the Terrible Twos. Personal agency feels good.

Giving unsolicited help can also foster a dependency, as in a codependency.

Codependents need to be needed and seem to confuse being needed as the pathway to love. It’s not. Many copdependents were parentified as children. They didn’t feel loved or accepted unless they were taking care of their parents emotional and physical needs. Parentified children are often rewarded for ignoring their own needs and wants and sacrificing them for their parent’s unhealthy ego needs and wants. Parentified children often replay this in their adult relationships. It manifests as codependency.

Being needed and being loved are two very different things. Need arises from a sense of lack, deprivation, fear and unworthiness. Love arises from a sense of wholeness and “want to be” rather than “have to” or “need to be.” The former is a thankless depletion of one’s internal and external resources. The latter is energizing, life enhancing and source of joy and contentment.

There’s a great deal of literature about the abandonment fears of narcissists and borderlines. Codependents often have a fear of abandonment as well, however, it’s expressed differently in the personality disordered vs. the codependent. Narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths make their partners dependent on their approval, which they miserly hoard away after the love bombing or idealization stage and save for emergencies like Hoovers. Codependents make their partners dependent upon them through enabling them, acts of service and tolerating their manipulations and other abuses.

Everyone has issues. You have issues, your sister has issues, your boyfriend has issues, your wife has issues, your adult children have issues, your best friend has issues and I have issues. Here’s the thing — each person’s issues belong to him or her. Your issues belong to you, your brother’s issues belong to him and my issues belong to me.

Each of us have a responsibility and obligation to ourselves, our loved ones, our colleagues and our communities to manage our own issues instead of dumping them onto whomever is most convenient and willing. It’s okay to help and support a loved one or friend with their issues, but that’s very different than enabling their issues or allowing yourself to become a scapegoat or dumping ground for their issues.

Sometimes the nicest thing you can do is let another person clean up his or her own mess and that starts with you.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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