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Enjoying the Holidays after a Being with a Narcissist

December 13, 2016 By Dr Tara Palmatier 3 Comments

Spending holidays with narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths is often anything but merry. If you’ve been in a relationship with a personality disordered man or woman or come from a family that’s a sideshow of characterological pathology, you probably have some holiday horror stories.

The first holiday season after ending an abusive relationship, or distancing yourself from toxic parents or siblings can be many things, some of them all at once. It can be sad, joyous, lonely (although there are few things lonelier than being in a relationship with a narcissist), confusing or provide a sense of sweet, sweet relief. Because narcissists, borderlines, histrionics and psychopaths suck up all the oxygen in your life, they often leave a vacuum after the discard, no matter which one of you initiated the break-up.

The vacuum may feel daunting, but it’s an opportunity to begin anew and make healthier choices in all areas of your life. Instead of wasting your time and energy caring for and trying to please a terminally colicky and never satisfied for long narcissist, begin taking care of you. If you’re unsure how to do that, start with the basics. Do your best to eat healthfully, drink plenty of water, exercise and get enough sleep. Spend your time with positive people. Keep it simple.

Don’t put pressure on yourself with unrealistic expectations. Being away from a narcissist or garden variety abusive jerk doesn’t guarantee immediate happiness. Nor does it automatically resolve the issues that made you vulnerable to a predator. Therefore, try to set realistic expectations. It doesn’t have to be the best Christmas or best Hanukkah ever. However, it won’t be the crappiest Christmas or Hanukkah either.

Don’t overdo on the decorations, gifts or socializing, unless you want to and it makes you happy. Aim for a holiday season during which you enjoy a glass of eggnog instead of tiptoeing around a narcissist or borderline’s eggshells. If you want to socialize, go for it. If you want to spend a quiet day watching Alfred Hitchcock movies on TBS while eating chicken tikka masala, call Curry in a Hurry and fire up the television. If a walk on the beach or in the woods with the dogs feels good, that’s okay, too.

You get to choose what feels right for you. Healing isn’t one-size-fits all. What worked for your best friend, cousin or a support forum buddy might not work for you. So what feels comfortable and just right to you?

Embrace whatever your narcissist belittled or spoiled. Do you enjoy Rankin & Bass Christmas programs? Spend a weekend binge watching them. Did your borderline sabotage holiday meals with your family? That won’t be on the menu this year. Was it impossible to shop for your Crazy? No longer your circus, no longer your monkey. Did your narcissist pee all over your joy of Christmas trees? Well, to hell with him or her. Go to a proper tree lot and get yourself the biggest, most gorgeous tree you can fit in your home.

The last Christmas spent with my narcissistic ex was a real doozie. He had a rage episode because he wasn’t able to work the tree stand. He sneered, seethed, yelled, name-called and gloated about how he was looking forward to spending the next holiday with his “non-Christian” (I’m not at all religious, by the way) then mistress, a bisexual former child actress with a mullet and buck teeth. His face grew redder and redder as he struggled with the stand, ragging on me, the tree and the ornaments. The episode culminated with him shouting, “I can’t get it up!!! Why can’t I get it up?!?!?!!! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! I can’t get it up!!!”

Now, on the one hand, raging, “I can’t get it up!!!” while bragging about his infidelity partner was pretty darn funny. However, it went from funny (snickering to myself in my head) to scary when his face contorted from red to purple, spittle spraying and he nearly punched out a french door glass pane with his fist. Rather than let him forever ruin my pleasure of a twinkling tree, I reclaimed it. The very next year after I was rid of him, I drove to a tree lot, bought the tallest tree they had (11-feet) and paid to have it delivered to my home (very tiny car). And it was glorious. No one yelling, pouting and generally being a douche in private, while publicly glorying in playing the magnanimous host (when he wasn’t having narcissistic rage episodes at guests who dared disagree with him) at our annual holiday party.

What holiday traditions or pastimes did you enjoy before your narcissist(s)? What’s stopping you from enjoying them again? Probably nothing, so why not do your version of a super twinkly evergreen tree?

Do for others. If you’re feeling isolated and disconnected, find a charity and volunteer your time. Invite close friends over for a quiet, home cooked meal. Donate money to a cause you support. Play Santa for the children of your friends or nieces and nephews. Give of yourself to others who will appreciate what you have to offer.

If helping others isn’t compatible with work you’re doing on codependency issues, help the environment. Clean litter off the beach or a public park. Plant a tree (weather permitting). Volunteer to walk dogs at the local pound. Be selfishly altruistic if it feels good.

No matter how you choose to spend the holidays, be kind to yourself. If nothing else, enjoy the absence of the nastiness, drama or whatever form of Grinchy-ness your ex or family of origin likes to inflict. It really can be a peaceful and lovely time of year and it’s up to you to decide what that is.

Happy Holidays!

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides individual services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women trying to break free of an abusive relationship, cope with the stress of an abusive relationship or heal from an abusive relationship. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Services page for professional inquiries.

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How to Win an Argument with a Narcissist, Part Two

October 12, 2016 By Dr Tara Palmatier 10 Comments

In Part One, I explained why it’s impossible to win an argument with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath if you engage with them on their level (i.e., an irrational, petulant, belligerent, emotional reasoning, self-absorbed, poo flinging toddler). So how do you really win an argument with a narcissist?

Don’t argue. Don’t trade insults, no matter how tempting. Don’t JADE: justify, argue, defend or explain yourself. Don’t hurl psychiatric labels at them. Don’t send them links to Shrink4Men or CrazyBusters. Don’t try to give them a taste of their own medicine. And don’t try to out-narcissist a narcissist or out-borderline a borderline or out-psychopath a psychopath. If you aren’t personality disordered yourself, you simply cannot out-crazy Crazy. You could try, but it will require you to operate outside of your integrity and then you have to live with that.

In order to win an argument with a narcissist you must first redefine what winning means.

What winning doesn’t mean:

Getting an apology. You might get a non-apology like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry if I offended you.” Variations of these statements don’t reflect remorse. They’re blame shifting non-apologies by which the narcissist is saying you are the one with the problem. The problem is that you’re having an emotional response to the narcissist’s or borderline’s abuse. You should really get some help for that — eye roll. Another blame-shifting non-apology is, “I’m sorry, BUT here’s why it’s really your fault . . .”

Other common non-apologies include blame-spreading, “We both did things that were wrong.” Okay. Try asking the narcissist what she or he did that was wrong. They might be able to parrot back some of your complaints, maybe. Or they’ll hem and haw and get angry all over again because they don’t actually think they did anything wrong. If the narcissist can parrot back what she or he did that was hurtful to you like cheating, lying, assaulting you, etc., then ask the narcissist why it was wrong. Warning: You may want to don some safety equipment before doing so. Odds are the narcissist can’t explain why their behavior was wrong. Even if they know their actions were wrong and hurtful, they often feel justified due to their entitlement and lack of empathy.

Admission of defeat. As discussed in Part One, narcissists et al engage in historical revisionism and whitewashing. They Photoshop their lives just like they Photoshop their Facebook selfies. Losses are retold as victories. When they publicly humiliate themselves by behaving like angry emotional toddlers, they accuse their targets of abusing them or treating them unfairly, or what’s known as DARVO (Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender).

My narcissistic ex used to say, “I always win.” In reality, no, he didn’t. He had huge public failures. He tripped over his own personality deficits more times than I can count. Over the course of our 7 year relationship there was never a time he didn’t have at least two attorneys on retainer, sometimes more. He was the defendant in several well-deserved civil lawsuits from which he had to lie and buy his way out. But in his narcissist reality distortion bubble, he “won” even when it was clear to objective observers that he had lost and lost spectacularly.

Public recognition of the narcissist’s asshattery. Narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths often conduct smear campaigns against their exes (or current spouses or partners once the Devaluation stage of the relationship has begun). Some people are going to believe Bobby Borderline’s or Nancy Narcissist’s lies, especially their minions, enablers and apologists. It’s one of the hard realities of ending a relationship with someone like that. Set the record straight with the people who matter most to you and let the narcissist remain king or queen of their flying monkey squadron.

Obtaining a fair judgment in family, civil or criminal legal actions. In legal terms, narcissists, borderlines, histrionics, psychopaths and sociopaths are known as high-conflict litigants. Bill Eddy, author of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, describes high-conflict people as persuasive blamers. The emotional intensity of their lies and distortions can convince even the most seasoned therapists, evaluators, judges and law enforcement personnel, if only for a time. Narcissists lie and often get away with their lies. It sucks, but that’s just the way it is.

What winning means:

Emotionally detaching so that nothing the narcissist does affects you. The narcissist marries your replacement with whom he or she cheated on you? Pffft. You know the hell that awaits your successor, that is if they’re not in hell already. The narcissist or borderline bombs Facebook like a 13-year old girl with “I’ve never been happier” posts with her or his newest soulmate? Pffft. You know it’s all bullshit because narcissists aren’t capable of true happiness, peace and well-being. Sure, they’ll get a temporary high from self-medicating themselves with their newest victim (just like she or he did with you), but it won’t last. The relationship may last for years, but you know very well that the love bombing or idealization stage won’t.

The narcissist is badmouthing you and spreading lies about you? Not caring about a smear campaign is often the toughest act of detachment, but it can be done. Another hard reality of saying goodbye to a narcissist or borderline is that there’s usually collateral loss. You’ll likely lose other relationships — family, mutual friends or even your own friends and family depending upon how manipulative the narcissist is and how gullible and dysfunctional your family and friends are. It will probably sting at first, but ultimately it’s good riddance. Anyone who maintains a friendship with the narcissist may eventually become a weak link in your personal firewall.

Eliminating or greatly reducing the narcissist’s presence in your life. This is the real win. Think of it as moving far, far away from a radioactive waste dump. If a narcissist throws a tantrum in the forest and no one’s there to hear it do they make a sound? Probably, but it doesn’t matter if you’re not in earshot. They can seethe, hate and scheme, but once you detach and disengage who cares?

To summarize:

For Crazy, winning means she or he has the ability to hurt you . . . It means they have the ability to intrude upon and disrupt your life, to cause you social harm, to cause you financial harm and to cause you legal harm. Winning for Crazy means she or he gets to destroy or take away things and people they think are important to you . . . Your pain brings him or her pleasure . . .

The win for you is removing Crazy and his or her minions from your life as best you can and nurturing and cherishing what is good in your life. The win is reducing Crazy’s ability to screw with you to the tiniest, infinitesimal speck of insignificance in your life. (Say Goodbye to Crazy, 2015)

Getting away from the narcissist and not looking back is how you win. Ultimately, you beat a narcissist, borderline or psychopath by ignoring them and living a good life. Make a safe exit plan, work on your boundaries, go No or Low (if there are minor children) contact and you before you know it you’ll be ready to take that victory lap.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides individual services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women trying to break free of abusive relationships, coping with the stress of abusive relationships or healing from abusive relationships. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Services page for professional inquiries.

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How to Win an Argument with a Narcissist, Part One

September 13, 2016 By Dr Tara Palmatier 20 Comments

“I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” (George Bernard Shaw)

In case there’s any question, the narcissist, borderline, psychopath, histrionic, paranoiac or garden variety bully is the pig in this equation. There’s one simple rule to winning an argument with these personalities: Don’t argue with them. At least, don’t fight with them on their terms. You simply won’t win.

In other words, fighting with a narcissist is “A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.” (War Games, 1983)

Conflict in a relationship can be healthy and productive. If handled well, it can strengthen a relationship via reaching mutual solutions, resolutions or compromises between two reasonable and emotionally mature people. Emphasis on reasonable and emotionally mature. If you’re having conflict with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath that person is anything but reasonable and emotionally mature.

Arguing with a narcissist isn’t about a healthy discussion of mutual and individual grievances. It’s not about problem-solving. It’s not about clearing the air and both parties feeling heard. It’s about domination, mindfuckery and intentionally inflicting emotional or physical pain. It’s about breaking you down, bit by bit, and training you to roll over. It’s about the narcissist being right. It’s about winning.

Narcissists don’t do win-win. There must be a winner and a loser in every interaction. In order for a narcissist to feel that she or he has won, they have to harm their opponent in some way. For example, by taking something of value from you (even if it holds no value to them), forcing you do something you don’t want to do or destroying something or someone you love.

There are several reasons why it’s pointless to argue with a narcissist. It can be very difficult to resist the urge to do so, I know. It’s extremely crazy-making the way they distort, deny, project, gaslight, gyrate, pivot and just make shit up. You probably feel compelled to spell it out for them. I get it.

It’s so very tempting to justify, argue, defend and explain (JADE), but don’t do it. It will only be held against you just like every other nasty, selfish, self-absorbed thing the narcissist has done or is still doing to you. Like a fly struggling to free itself from the spider’s web, explaining and defending yourself just makes you a more easily digested narcissist yum-yum (i.e., narcissistic supply).

Less info to the narcissist means less ammo for the narcissist.

This is why you don’t justify, argue, defend or explain. It’s also why we strongly recommend No Contact after ending a relationship with a narcissist or Low Contact if you share minor children. This is why BIFF is recommended if you must communicate with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath. BIFF = Brief, Informative, Firm, Friendly. Although, I recommend BIF — keep the Firm and drop the Friendly. Or, if I’m being cheeky, I refer to it as BIFFY — a Brief, Informative, Firm F— You.

Just keep it business-like and avoid any emotional topics. Don’t share your feelings. Don’t inquire about the narcissist’s or borderline’s feelings. Discussing feelings, yours or theirs, with these personalities is like being airdropped into an alligator infested swamp without a compass or map then cutting a deep gash into your thigh that drips blood while you aimlessly and hopelessly try to find a way out. Don’t do it. Additionally, these personalities are basically children in adult bodies or emotional toddlers. Would you try to have a reasoned argument with a 5-year old? Of course not.

Why is it pointless to argue with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath?

Facts are irrelevant. Presenting the narcissist with verifiable facts, emails they wrote, audio or video recordings, scientific journal findings, etc., only makes them angrier and biliously dogmatic in their accusations and pronouncements. In fact, the more accurate you are, the more wrong you are. Heaven help you if you point out a contradiction in their conflict-victim narrative.

For example, you cite something the narcissist said 3 weeks ago that contradicts their current argument. Does the narcissist or borderline own the contradiction? Take time to reflect or reconsider? Nope. You’ll be accused of “throwing the past in my face” or “using my words as a weapon.” Surrender, Dorothy.

The narcissist is always right. Even if they don’t have a position of their own to defend, a narcissist will attack your position. Basically, their argument is that you’re wrong and, by default, they’re right. It doesn’t matter if they have a solution of their own, yours is wrong. Bullying or shaming a target into submission is very gratifying to narcissists and borderlines. It’s especially gratifying to them if you obligatorily apologize for “making them” lose their temper. It’s so very toxic.

The narcissist’s grievance du jour isn’t the issue. Their personality is the issue. Whatever you think the issue is or whatever the narcissist or borderline insists the issue is really isn’t the issue. The real issue has always been and always will be their personality. The stated issue is typically a smokescreen for one of their 5 fears (abandonment, control, feeling inferior, loss of resources and public exposure). Alternately, the narcissist will harangue you with petty stuff as a way to distract you from the big stuff — like why you’re staying in such an abusive, one-sided shitshow of a relationship.

Home court advantage. Narcissists stack the deck in their favor to win the argument, facts and logic be damned. They make the rules and the rules don’t apply to them. Ever. For example, your ex demands an insaaaaaaaaaane custody schedule — 5 exchanges in 7 days. She claims it’s because “the children” have anxiety if they’re away from her for more than 24 hours. [Snort.] There is a child having anxiety, but it’s not one of the actual children. Your ex is having anxiety because she’s losing dominion over the children and you.

Her solution? She demands a schedule that no one can follow, not even her. Then she rants about how the original schedule, that she created, needs to be changed. More time to her, less time to you, naturally. Using Narcissist Logic™, the problem isn’t the insane schedule that she demanded. The problem is you having parenting time that she can neither deny nor control. The solution? She gets sole custody and you become her beck and call babysitter provided you allow her to torture you at will. WINNING! It’s like playing a basketball game with only one net and only the narcissist gets to shoot the ball. Don’t play a game you can’t win.

The winner is predetermined. Narcissists and borderlines have a script in their heads about how conversations, arguments, etc., are supposed to go. It’s nice if you play along, but isn’t necessary. Besides, they know what you’re feeling and thinking, so there’s no need for you to engage. It doesn’t matter if you don’t actually feel and think that way. Remember, the facts are irrelevant. So let it be written, so let it be done.

I once conducted an experiment while I was still with my narcissistic ex. He was having one of his regularly scheduled attention-seeking meltdowns and instead of placating, cajoling and apologizing to get him to stop, I stayed silent. I sat there, unphased and unblinking, with a neutral expression on my face. Within 30 minutes he managed to have an argument all by himself without me saying a word.

He actually argued my side, or what he imagined was my side of the argument, for me and then argued why my side, that I never stated, was wrong. Now that’s some serious Narc-Fu. Then he did his version of the hair flip-flounce combo, made Poopy Diaper Face and buried himself in Facebook to Like gather by posting links to Wired articles for his minions. Like, Like, ooh, ah, oh, right there, right there, oh yeah baby, Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike — that sure showed me!

Historical revisionism. Once in a blue moon, you may be able to get a narcissist to concede defeat. It takes some real effort though. You basically have to back them into the proverbially corner and rope-a-dope them with facts and logic. Enjoy the admission of culpability while it lasts because it won’t.

Within a matter of weeks, days or hours, the narcissist or borderline will rewrite history and you’ll be right back where you started. They also do this with their failures and infinitesimal successes. Successes are often greatly exaggerated and failures are completely whitewashed. It just isn’t worth the effort required to get them to acknowledge objective reality. At best, it’s a labor intensive, short-lived Pyrrhic victory. At worst, it gives you false hope that somewhere, buried deep within the recesses of their alligator brain, there’s a decent human being that will materialize with a little more blood, sweat and tears on your part. Not going to happen.

If you want to win in any interaction with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath, you need to redefine what winning means. This will be covered in the second part of this article, which will be published later this week or early next. I was going to include it in this one in the hopes of keeping it to 1000 words or less, but here we are already at 1400 words plus. Check back soon, and if you haven’t yet, please check out the CrazyBusters Forum.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides individual services to help individuals work through their relationship issues via telephone or Skype, particularly men and women trying to break free of abusive relationships, coping with the stress of abusive relationships or healing from abusive relationships. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Services page for professional inquiries.

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Emotional Toddlers: Narcissists, Borderlines and Psychopaths, Part 1

September 7, 2016 By Dr Tara Palmatier 8 Comments

Since beginning Shrink4Men in 2009, I’ve frequently referred to narcissists, borderlines, psychopaths, histrionics and sociopaths as children in adult bodies or emotional toddlers. That’s because they frequently think and act much younger than their physical age. In other words, they exhibit a persistent and chronic lifelong pattern of emotional and psychological immaturity.

You can’t have an adult relationship with a child nor can you have a functional adult relationship with a child in an adult’s body. Individuals with these characterological deficits simply lack the capacity to build stable adult relationships.

Sure, they might have friendships that go back 10 years or more, but consider the nature of the friendships. Typically, “friends” of narcissists and other emotional toddlers are comprised of:

Minions — cheerleaders and flying monkeys, in other words enablers;
Narcissistic supply — lickspittles, toadies, buttkissers and sycophants;
Fellow bullies of a feather who terrorize the countryside together;
Other drama llamas that feed off one another’s perpetual chaos emissions; or
Good people who are friends with the narcissist’s or borderline’s mask/public persona, not the jerk who abuses you when no one’s watching.

These friends aren’t friends, they’re useful tools. And that’s what you are to your narcissist or psychopath — a useful tool. Until you’re not. Then you’ll be devalued, discarded and replaced.

If you’re the adult child of a narcissist or borderline, you were probably parentified as a child. You grow up fast when you have a personality disordered parent. You have to — mommy or daddy needs you to take care of them. In which case, you probably developed some codependent caretaker traits and have chosen adult partners who are just as emotionally and psychologically underdeveloped as your parent(s).

In other words, your model for adult relationships was anything but adult. You were conditioned to believe that love is doing and doing for others and sacrifice and pain. Unlike actual children with good enough parents, narcissists and psychopaths don’t grow up. She or he isn’t going to have an epiphany and change their ways. They’ll continue to take and take and take until you’ve nothing left to take. They’ll exploit and abuse you until they break you and then become angry with you and blame you for being broken. Just like a toddler who breaks a toy by playing roughly with it.

If you’re married to, dating or have a parent who is a narcissist, there are probably many occasions when it feels like you’re dealing with a 3-year old in a 53-year old’s body. Odds are that’s exactly what was happening. Ever try to reason with a 3-year old? A 12-year old? Good luck with that.

The reason it feels like you’re dealing with a toddler if your spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend, parent, sibling, etc., has narcissistic, borderline, histrionic or psychopathic traits is because these personalities are frozen in a state of arrested emotional, psychological and moral development. Here are some traits that narcissists et al have in common with actual toddlers:

Tantrums. Tantrums are multi-purpose. Narcissists and borderlines tantrum in order to get their way. They tantrum when they want attention. They tantrum when they’re bored. They tantrum because they’re enamored with the sound of their own caterwauling. They tantrum just for the pleasure of seeing you scurry, scamper and wince. They tantrum to keep their nearest and dearest on their toes.

If you’re presently determined to stay with your narcissist or borderline, for whatever reason, stop rewarding her or his tantrums. Ignore them. Leave the house. Hang up the phone. Heck, turn off your phone. Expect that he or she will escalate. Continue to ignore them. Unless she threatens to make a false 911 call or he or she becomes violent, then please, please, please get the hell away from them as fast as you can.

Unreasonable and incessant need for attention. Being in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath eventually feels like breast feeding an angry baby crocodile with a tapeworm. They never seem to tire of feeding. Their appetite for attention is insatiable.

I lived with a narcissist for nearly 7 years. The empathy well ran dry at around year 4. I should’ve realized the end was nigh when he made one of his emotional distress signals (a heavy sigh accompanied by brow furrowing and holding his forehead in his hands as if in mortal agony) and I inwardly rolled my eyes. By that time, I’d ceased to jump in response to his nonstop attention-seeking. His laundry needed washing and his meals needed cooking, too, not to mention the work I’m actually paid to do. There are only 24 hours in a day after all.

After I didn’t immediately stop what I was doing to inquire what or who was vexing him in that particular instant, he followed up the nonverbal distress signals with, “I’m feeling really anxious.” Translation: “Stop what you’re doing, assume the position and listen to me.” My internal editor must’ve been on a coffee break because I reflexively asked, “What is it now?” Whoopsy and KABOOM!

I had nothing left to give. He’d consumed it all. I later discovered he was already actively grooming my replacement when that occurred. It’s the narcissist’s equivalent of double-dipping their chips. It’s not attention seeking, it’s attention gluttony. It calls to mind Templeton the Rat gorging himself at the fair in Charlotte’s Web.

Poorly developed problem-solving skills. If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, borderline or psychopath, you probably describe yourself as afraid of conflict. Maybe you are, maybe you’re not. It’s more likely that you avoid conflict because of how your NPD/BPD does conflict. This emotional toddler creates conflict not to resolve issues, but to distract from the real issues — his or her personality and destructive behaviors.

They’re not interested in determining and doing what’s right. They just want to be right, especially when it’s blindingly obvious that they’re wrong. That’s the sweet spot right there. If she or he can get you to apologize for whatever shitty thing they did to you it’s a narcgasm. They bully, bulldoze, talk over, pout, threaten, kitchen sink, derail the conversation, bring up old conflicts. Whatever it takes.

They’re not interested in compromise or finding win-win solutions. The only win for this kind of person is if she or he gets what they want and for you to absorb the cost be it monetary, emotional or physical. They have to have all the cookies, a much bigger cookie or, at the very least, 3 more chocolate chips than you. Your suffering is what makes her or him happy, but not for very long. They want what they want whenever and where ever they want it and you’d better deliver, dammit. The volcano god/goddess requires regular sacrifices.

Need based love. A child’s love for her or his parents is born of need. Infants can’t take care of themselves and rely on their parents utterly. Children and children in adult bodies don’t have the capacity for mature love based on mutuality and reciprocity. Your narcissist doesn’t love you. Your narcissist loves you for what you can do for her or him. You’re a source of supply — attention, social status, ass kissing, physical labor, money, etc. You’re the most amazing person ever when your narcissist is getting everything he or she wants and you shield them from life’s everyday frustrations.

Narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths need their targets and enablers. They don’t love them. Periodically, when they’re not in a state of need, they expect you to leave them alone. Or, rather look at them adoringly and observe them ignoring you just like children want mom and dad to watch them do handstands in the swimming pool. They don’t want the parent to participate in their play. They want the parent to be their audience.

Poopy Diaper Face. It’s the look of emotional constipation the narcissist, borderline or psychopath gets just before she or he gets their tantrum on. Sometimes it’s more subtle like a slow simmering pout. Sometimes it’s more scary and potentially dangerous like when they turn on the Death Stare™ or the Shark Eyes™.

In other words, it’s the non-verbal signal that your emotional toddler is building up to one of his or her episodes. Why do they do this? Much like actual infants and toddlers, most narcissists, borderlines and psychopaths don’t have the ability to self-soothe, amuse themselves, reality test and problem solve. When feeling any kind of emotional or physical discomfort their reflexive behavior is to alert the nearby grown-ups to come and tend to them.

Or, if they can’t get your attention fast enough they’ll then self-soothe through self-destructive and destructive to others behaviors. Alcohol and drug abuse, overeating, overspending, cheating, raging at you to provoke an angry response, lying (creates the feeling of duper’s delight) — you know the drill.

Caring for oneself is the duty of every adult. It’s a duty to ourselves and others. When children are small and helpless, it’s a parent’s job to protect and care for them. It’s also a parent’s job to teach children how to assume increasing personal responsibility and self-care as it becomes developmentally appropriate.

It’s not your job to parent your narcissist, borderline or psychopath. If you believe it’s your responsibility ask yourself why? Why do you believe it’s your responsibility? Where did you learn that? Why are you taking that on? HINT: The answer isn’t, “Because I love her” or “Because I love him.”

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life tending to an emotional toddler who refuses to grow up? Do you want to be a parent or a partner? If you want a relationship of equals it’s time to launch your emotional toddler. It’s highly unlikely she or he will grow up. They’ll just find their next enabler, but you’ll be well rid of them. Then you can start taking care of you.

Want to Say Goodbye to Crazy? Buy it HERE.

Counseling, Consulting and Coaching with Dr. Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

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